BAD DAY .....Not cool.

I flipped out on a cashier today. She totally tilted me.

I'll save the story and just say her attitude was completely uncalled for. I feel the need to constantly stick up for myself in situations were someone is trying to disrespect me.

One, I live here alone, and I am the only one that has my back. Two, when a person needs to be put in their place, sometimes you have to be the one that does it.

I walked out of the bar for a brief moment to bring my self together and then walked back in. At this point I caught the cashier saying. " I'm gonna slap her in her fucking face. " referring to me.

My reaction was simply these words and a piercing look. " You need to watch you fucking mouth."

She was a big girl, but honestly I have ALOT of heart. So you be the judge. Plus, I had enough adrenaline in me to make your morbid dreams of what could of happened, a reality. Honestly, I almosted wished she just would of ...... you know cus anything after that ..... self defense.

My car broke down, I'm so sad. I actually really like my car. I mean, the car really does nothing for my ego, but it gets me around. I have enough money to go and get a new car, but I am trying my best to salvage what the Honda has left. Now, it's the altanator. =(

I cannot wait until September!!! I took the pool shift for the summer. In Sept, is when all of the girls move inside of the casino for the winter. I am SO excited! I tried taking leave from work Sep 1 - 9 to go to Boston with one of my friends, but I was denied the time off. However, when we move inside I will be taking a 2 month leave. At this point I can go anywhere I want and still come back and have a job.

I have so many places in mind. I can't wait!!

I recenlty just got back from San Fransico California. I was visiting my friend Brian. Brian, is also the same guy I went to Thailand with.

He's an awesome guy. We have alot of fun together. He's starting his own show soon. More on this later.

As for love ..... well, I don't really want anyone right now. I think I have a lot of things to work on about me, before I can be good for anyone else.

I was really into my EX from MO. for a while. I saw him this summer, and realized all the reasons I did like him, and recalled how amazing of a person he was.

Yet, I feel like I just snapped out of something. I don't want to be with him anymore, and I won't be waiting for him ever again. He was expecting to see me when I flew back home, but I won't be seeing him. I in fact called and said these same words to him.

"We've had good times, but it's over now. It's time for us to move on."

He's a good person. I wish him all the best. It's just I've left the nest, I'm growing up, I'm changing and learning and growing everyday. I just don't feel like we're on the same page anymore. I don't want to hold him back with any thoughts of us being together. I'm moving on.

In my journery down these roads alone, I'll be sure to update on any amazing or horrid dates. One, can only hope that I find stimulating conversation. It's so scarce .....

Sometimes I find it hard to pick one guy out from the next. It's an annoying illusion that everyone is the same. I know everyone is unique and different in their own way but jeez. Must I pawn and search for these qualities and .... Why can't they be obvious differences. Sometimes when I'm on the prawl it's like a constant repeat of the same people.

This is not to say " Hey look at me, I have so much to offer." because maybe I don't, but how many people do you know, with a name like Marnica. Atleast you can appreciate that as an obvious difference. It's like I say my name and people are automatically like. FLASH FLASH FLASH her names not Sarah. Hold the phone!! lol!!

How many people do you know who are my age, and my race. I factor in age because the older and older the people you're looking at, the less and less you will see interacial mixing and vice versa.

I like wierd and unique and different. I don't want to have to fish through a bunch of clones to get to a collectors item.

So I'm not looking anymore. Especially sense the thought of doing so annoys me at the moment.

Random .....Random .... Random ....

Why is it that, whenever a person tries to emphasise how hurt or upset or moved they are by something they say the same thing, every time. They say, "you wanna know how upset I was .... I cried." I cried.

Now, I was thinking maybe it would be just as moving to say something like I through a table or I slit my wrist. Also, it brings about another important question. How do you know if this person really cried or if their just adding it, as a pathetic attempt to add emphasis to their otherwise cold vein emotions.


I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Reading books and watching movies.

Today at work, I looked left and I saw naked women. Vouluptious bodies, full breast, and beneath them, a man and a women in a deep passinate kiss. To my left was a man blowing 50,000 dollars and with which he threw me 35 dollars. What's going through my mind at this time? One might wonder.

The primary thought that runs through my mind is, that I am strong. Now, compared to a soldier in Afghanastan. I'm not shit. However, in the war of life, I stand tall. I'm not afraid of the battle field in front of me. I'm not afraid of Vegas.

I met a guy today. He was 24, young, handsome, and was working torwards his degree in one of the top 10 schools in America.

To say that we didn't have a connection, would be a lie. We did. He had a wonderful look in his eyes, had all the charm. Some how though, I couldn't let go. There were bigger and better things on my mind, that i just couldn't let go. I wanted to partake on every feeling, but I held back.

This has been a reoccuring problem that I have had. Here I am confronted with America's most eligible bachelors, yet I can't give them all of me.

What is it that holds me back? I've asked myself countless times, yet I cannot seem to find the answer.

He told me, " You're going to live a life full of regrets ....."

I wondered, if he was right.

I Second guessed myself, as it only seems fitting.

I didn't give him all that he wanted.

There I was, in Hugh Hefners mansion at the palms, the top sweet. A man. young, and handsome, with a pocket full of excstasy .......... and I turned him down.

A man working torwards a law degree, and an ID to prove it.

I said no ....... and it wasn't the first time I had done something in relation to this.

What was the point of that? I wish I knew. I guess oneday maybe everything will fall into place.

What if I had of said yes to that guy I had met? I could have had him, easily. I know this. I made things so complicated. So much deeper than maybe they had to be.

Could it be, that I'm so picky that I'm going to live a life alone. Solitary, just because I felt like I was too good for someone or something.

Or could it be that I just play for keeps? Who knows ......

Could it be, that maybe the sluts of the world have something ....... besides a higher probability of contracting a disiease. Could it be that ..... i'm the stupid one. I'm the one that has turned down all the fantasies ...... all the moments that 90 yr old women dream about.

I'm sitting in my apartment alone. That's how it's always been. No permanent visitors, no one to snuggle with. Honestly, I never minded that much.

Yet, as I feel the cold days coming ..... I wonder, if I can make it a winter alone, no one to talk to when I reach the gates of rest, my apartment. I think i can. but it will be a long one. Seeking warmth somewhere in between my sheets. Hoping that my heart will illumiate on it's own. Finding comfort in the stories of others and their visits home. Hugging a pillow as if it pumps blood.

Current Post from Now on.

I drive a 1990 Honda Accord. I bought it last year some time, before that I was taking 4 buses to and back from the Las Vegas strip to summerlin or vice versa. It usually took about 3 hours to get to and from work. I love my car, I think she's gonna need some work done soon though.

Anyway, I just got home from Walgreens. There, I bought blush, sleeping pills, and a shower cap. I was strolling through the isles when a man stopped me and asked ...

"Find what you're looking for?" He was being nosy might I add.

I defensively said " What? .... "What do you mean?" I ignored him and walked away.

Now, ever sense I got my own place, and I live alone, and I live in Vegas of all places. I guess being a bitch to strangers makes me feel safer. Atleast, just the ones that I get a bad vibe from. I feel like if I'm sweet .... they want more. I call it street smarts, it's not my real personalty though, I can actually be pretty personable.

I got in my car and repeated the same thing I always do when I get in my car.

"Come on Flush!!! Come on .... don't do this to me now girl, not at Walgreens with all these creepy people outside ..."
(I call my car flush, she's named after a Royal, it's the biggest hand in poker)

She started. I was relieved. Good girl.

I haven't seen my family in a while. The last time I saw them was during the elections. Thanksgiving, Christmas, all the holidays, I spent alone away from them.

When I think about it though, I think I'd rather spend a historical day like the election night, over one of those superficial holidays. anyway.

Pretty soon, I should be going back home and probably traveling to another state as well. Boston was in the plans, sense my friend Trisha is going there but, I also have another friend that's going to Paris. Desicions .... Desicions.

So, in my most recent post. There was a guy that I wasn't suppost to call. He told me to never e-mail and yadi yadi .... well, I did anyway. I guess part of me figured that he already thought I was wacko, so what the hay right?

This guy, was real real smart and was going to Harvard too. He was my age and handsome. Well spoken. Dressed pretty good.

Well, we arent' talking. I'm positive that we won't ever again.

Theres one part that I just couldn't let go. I couldn't figure out why he talked to me like I was nobody. He just wrote me off. Basically said he didn't want anything to do with me. Like I killed his fucking dog or something. I never killed that dude's dog.

Was it really too much to ask to end things ..... as friends. He never treated me like a human being.

He was SO smart, that I Probably wouldn't have been able to stimulate him mentally. Which is something I think you have to have. I mean whenever he used a word I almost always had to have a dictionary on hand. I loved the challenge, he probably thought I was an idiot though.

To add to that. I wasn't born with a silver spoon, he was. We came from two different worlds. He may have never understood me.

He was jewish, so theres most likely a high probablilty that his parents would have hated me and disowned him for seeing me.

We live on complete opposite sides of the world.

I'm not the sane'ist person in the world.

Bla Bla Bla

All of these things I can admit. Okay, Okay, it wouldn't of worked out.

I just didn't understand why in the end, we weren't shaking on it. We should have both tapped out. I would have felt better walking away knowing that we both learned a thing or two, and that maybe we weren't for each other but if I saw him on the street I could atleast wave, not duck and cover.

Believe me, I think if I saw this guy I might seriously ..... hide. Just for fear that he might burn holes through my skull with his eyes.

I think he was a good person. In fact, I know he was. He just never let me get to know him. I wanted to see past his money and his image. He made it so hard. What little feelings I did find, were SO hard to get to that it was almost unbareable.

I was making him work for it. For me. Instilling desire, creating anticipation. Making sure are moments were memorable, because you remember more the things you worked hard for, then the things that were just given to you right

What he'll never know is the reasons I never had sex with him, before he turned me down, was so that I could keep him and because I was playing for keeps, and if I couldn't keep him I wanted him to atleast have feelings for me. That's what I was waiting for, the feelings. And it takes time. Passion. I guess they never came, the feelings, or better yet they didn't develope in time.

Fuck it.

Last but not least. The guy I was in Love with from St. Louis, Aaaaa yes. We never told each other we loved each other. Well folks, Guess what? He told me he loved me. He said the words that are so hard for me to say. I almost shit in my pants. All I remeber, is this is how it happened.

Him: "I love you ..."
Me: "What??!!!"

It took us basically a year and a half to finaly admit it to each other, and you know what? I'm proud of it (I said it back). He's a good dude. When I talk to him I feel like I'm on cloud nine.

He challenges me metally. He only agrees with me sometimes, and when he does disagree, he always seems to be right and changes my perspective into something less tainted and more beautiful. He also has a degree in philosophy. So did the last guy I was talking about. I've had the pleasure of being around some amazing people. I have always attracted philosophical people in my life.

He makes me laugh, and makes me smile. Most importantly though, I feel like he's my best friend. I can tell him anything and not feel stupid. I can even tell him when another guy totally disses me and not feel stupid. I can tell him that I'm on level 95 on a computer game and not feel stupid. We race each other to see who wins. We make fun of each other like we're eight years old. We're passionate. We fight and yell at each other, then one of us always tries to pretend like nothing happened. You know? The old subject change. We play onliner poker together and he yells at me the entire time.

"Why!!!! Why did you do that?!!! ...... No!!! Noo!!! You should fold that!!! Why would you raise right there??? Nooo!! .. God!! I can't stand this!!! I can't watch this anymore!!!" lol.

I'm working on my poker. =)

The fact of the matter still is this.

He's not here with me in Vegas. I'm gonna have to let him go. I'm tired of wishing some one who isn't here was here.

I don't think I've honestly ever really commited myself to someone, and I'd like to try it one day. What a scary word commitment. ehhh lol.

I went out with a bunch of girls from work. We all mobbed deep to club Prive. We danced and drank vodka, or whatever was on the table. I think there was one guy with us from work. He trickled off along with a few others by the end of the night.

After Prive, we went to XS, and sense we work there, we got our own table easy. We had so much fun!! We danced all night. Laughing, and smiling at each other, taking pictures. I smoked, which is not good. That's how I knew I was drunk though.

The diversity in Vegas is so beautiful. We are the second most diverse city in America. New York is number one. Man, I'd love to see New York. If you look at the picture of me and all the girls, you can see it. We are all different. Differnet shades, different smiles. It's not so black and white like MO, where I'm originally from.

By the end of night. Everyone had left exept for one other cocktail waitress that I work with.

(She's the Blond next to me on the stripper pole, we're not sure who the other girl is).

There was a couple of shots left in the bottle, we shared them together, and just kind of laughed at the situation: We were the last two standing.

At some point, I decided that it was time for us to go home. Now, we are both completely trashed. I decided the smartest thing to do would be to rode dog it with Christina back to her house , make sure she was safe, and then take a taxi back to my car.

To make a long story short, she and I talked until the sun came up. Christina had a lot of things on her mind. She was going through a lot. A lot more than I had ever read on her face, just seeing her at work. She cried, and has she told me all of her problems, wants and hopes in life, and how she felt about them. She was never more beautiful. I saw a sweet, vulnerable girl with a heart bigger than the world could ever see. I would never look at her the same after that day.

She also told me her story. The story of how she got the job at the Wynn. How happy she was, how much it meant to her, and how much it changed her life. Maybe one day you'll hear her story and mine too. We were all picked to work at the Wynn for a reason. It wasn't just how we looked, but who we are too. I'm am so proud of where I work. You dont believe me ask anyone from Vegas about the Wynn and they'll always say the same thing.

"Man it's hard to get a job there ......"

Lastly, had a verbal coaching at work, or in other words got reemed by my boss. I know she's just doing her job, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks being given a list of reasons on why you suck. I'm gonna try and fix the problems I'm having. It just sucks because sometimes I feel like trouble always finds me.

Heres one of things I got in trouble for, answering the phones as follows ....

"Thank you for calling the fith demension this is Marnica how may I direct your existence?"

Apparently that is an inappropriate way to answer the phone. Who Knew?

Yeah ..... I'll work on not being funny. Come on .... That's funny. =)

JUST A HEADS UP

FROM THIS POINT RIGHT HERE, I WILL BE POSTING POST FROM MY OLD BLOG ON MYSPACE. I DON'T USE MYSPACE ANYMORE AND THINKING ABOUT DELETING IT. I'D LIKE TO HAVE ALL OF MY WRITING IN ONE PLACE NONE OF THIS WILL BE CURRENT INFO ON ME. HOWEVER IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY JOURNEY FROM HOME. THEREFORE THESE ENTRIES ARE PRETTY DEAR TO ME. SO, IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED HOW A ENDED UP IN VEGAS. HERE YA GO!! AFTERWARDS, I WILL POST A CURRENT BLOG PROBABLY WITH IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS WHEN I HAVE TIME. SORRY FOR THE OUT OF ORDER RANDOMNESS AND IF YOU'VE READ MY BLOG BEFORE YOU CAN OBVIOUSLY SKIP THROUGH THE RE-RUN SORRY. IF YOU WANT MY CURRENT BLOGS, YOU'LL HAVE TO SCROLL TO THE BEGINNING. IT'S BASICALLY ABOUT WORK AND ME BITCHING ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE. SORTA LIKE REAL LIFE SEX IN THE CITY. =)

BLOG IMPORT

Sunday, March 30, 2008
San Fransico.
Current mood: anxious
Category: Travel and Places

Man, I knew this day was coming, for a long time. Which is partially the reason why I could never settle down with anyone. I have always wanted to travel. It was a promise I had made to myself. So I am creating this blog, so that anyone that gives a flying fuck, can come along on the journey with me. I’ll either start this in a second, or like toomarow. Not sure yet,,,,,,

10:19 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 KudosTranslatePowered by

BLOG IMPORT

Monday, March 31, 2008
Part 1: The beginning
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Travel and Places

Yah, so our adventure started out pretty action filled. I had about three days to get packed. I ran all over town trying to get all of the necessary items I would need. There was so many people that I wanted to say goodbye to but so little time. So Brian picked me up at my house ...Jamie was there.... I miss her. We said our good-byes, and made our way off to the airport.

Brian has traveled around his entire life, but me, I had never really set foot in an airport...(so just use your imagination.). We checked in our bags and then looked for our gate. First, we had to make it through security. I had to take off my shoes and proceeded to let the female security guard "feel me up." ....I felt violated! She kept making me laugh while she smiled, "we’ve got a live one here!" As I thought "I think I’m in love with her!" (Jooookeee).

Ounce we found our gate, we both decided to go our seperate ways. It’s pretty sweet! We both get our own space, yet we still know to have each others back. I left him to his burger restaurant, promised that I would return in 15 minutes, and I wandered off to look for something that would interest me. I walked and walked breathing in the air, every breath a little longer than the first, trying to take in how much my life has changed in the past two weeks.....I mean serously things have changed. Well, I found my ice tea and a sandwhich and went looking for my gate.

Yah so I bet you saw this one coming..... I got lost (are you surprised?). I started fliippin out like it was New Years Eve at Harrahs. I went one way and then I would turn around and go the other way, but every way looked the same. "OMG!" I thought to myself, "I have waited for this moment my entire life, and I’m going to miss my flight, and he’s going to leave me here, and , and, and." So I attempted to call Brian,.... over,.... and over, ...and over,.. and well you get the point. He wouldn’t answer. What was going on? Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to leave. Well, I figured it all out! I left the freakin termial! Who does that? Well, it wasn’t so bad except for the fact that I had to go through security again and get all my stuff re-examined and get re-felt up (that was my favorite part, I did it on purpose just for that!) So I was home free right? I thought so, until they asked for my boarding pass. Crap! Brian had it....ahhhhhhh!

Luckily Brian called me right then. I explained to him the situation! I don’t think I was quite taking in the urgency of the matter, until I saw him turning the corner gasping for air. He waved my ticket in their face like it was the meaning of life and he wanted to share. I looked at him ounce, and whispered into the air "I’m sorry." He nodded at me and closed his eyes to assure me that everything would be okay......When really, everthing wasn’t okay.

I made it through!....Finally! Only thing was they took my lipton tea. I was pissed about that! For atleast 10 minutes.....Brian looked at me and said let’s go! He took off like he was getting payed for it! I lagged behind in my high heels doing the best that I could. I screamed "Whats wrong!" He panted "Our flight is leaving now! Why did you leave the terminal?" At this point I realized that it was GO time! I put my shoes in my hand raced down the isles like there was a bomb explosion in the other direction. I thought it was funny...however brian didn’t exactly think so. I mean here we are running down isle after isle full speed ahead, while everyone else is sitting or standing around calm as shit, turning their heads to stare at us screaming at each other! I don’t care what he says ......that was fun!

Brian struggled for his words, over his odd patterned breathing, "Did the flight leave?" ..."No." The whatever you call that lady said "We held the plane for you." We looked at each other in disbelief. I felt special, I think he was embarassed, whatever works....And now the adventure has begun! First Class (Welcome to the good life!).

We flew from St. Louis to Denver Colarado, to San Fransico. We had complementary wine the entire ride! I thing at some point we also consumed vodka. I never got too waisted, because I figured puking on a plane would have to be the worst! They offered us free food. It was really exiting "hmmm" ...."pa--st-a annnd vege-ta-bles." I read, I opened it Cool! It was suppose to be gourmet, but it was more like GourtYUCK!. Jesus! That stuff was horrible! Whoever invented that stuff ....oh nevermind. I put my airplane head phones on and rocked out in my seat. Banging my head as I gazed out of the window looking at the layered clouds, and watched everything I knew dissappear. Brian sunk down loooow in his air plane seat slightly nodding his head to the music. Although he looked like a gangster then , eventually he was passed out on my shoulder drooling his heart out. We had plenty of empty bottles of wine at our feet. I reclined my seat back, kicked my feet up. "One more blanket please." "Yeah OJ is fine!" I think our flight attendant may have been the nicest guy in the world! Brian would say "one more pillow please, yes thank you so much, she has back problems." This is so not true...but we did have like 5 pillows for like no reason. My ears hurt so bad when I got off the plane.....I blew and sneezed Geeez..

Anyways, I’m out of here for now. I won’t have a laptop like I had thought. We will be staying in a hostile in Thailand that cost 16 dollars a night, that’s 8 dollars a piece. We are hoping that they will be providing internet connections there. So I will try my best to keep up with this blog. Oh and not to freak anyone out, but Brian’s mom says that if you smoke weed in Thailand, or smuggle it in, or even get it planted on you, you will be sent to prison for life or even get the death penaly. Also, when you cross the street in Thailand you have to make sure you presume that everyone wants to kill you. Hence they aint stoppin holmes. If that’s not enough to freak you out, you have to watch your drinks so that they don’t knock you out cold, take you to a hotel and cut your kidneys out. Kidney theft is really popular out there. WTF! OMG! scary stuff. For real. I leave toomarow morning. I’ll try to keep in touch.

1:28 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 KudosTranslatePowered by

BLOG IMPORT

Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Part 1: Awake

Current mood: ashamed

Category: Friends

I have had this friend for like five years, that I care very much about. Although he has been far away, we always kept in contact. He always told me about his achievements in life or his love stories, he was my friend. He is super pissed at me right now for reasons that I will not disclose. Everyone in San Fransico is sleeping. Brian, his mother, his cousins, and the other like eight people that live here! I am just wide awake, one of the great side effects from working in a casino for 3 freakin years...(don’tcha just love it.) His mom has her own bed, brian has his own bed, and I have mine on the floor, which brian should be sleeping on, but he kind of wiesled his way into sleeping on the comfy bed. Oh well, I’m the only one awake anyway. How they can sleep through the massive amounts of noise I have made recently I’m not sure. Brain is suppose to be awake packing....yah I tried waking him up, not happening. Anyways, my friend. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried and tried to patch things up with him. What the hell am I suppose to do? I’m almost afraid to talk to him anymore. It hurts sometimes when you grow up, and you realize that everyones not going to like you. What really sucks for me is that in most cases. It’s the people I care about the most. I know that these happenings are probably 95% my fault, but how much can I really do to change it. I’ll try my best. I can’t believe I’m going to Thailand toomarow! I mean do you ever just sit back look at your life and go........WTF? I do, and I think I like it! If anybody wants to get a heads up on Thailand go rent the movie The Beach. I guess I’ll try and close my eyes. You know what would be really cool? If I could get some food, yah you guessed it no car. Oh well Gnight. =)
1:19 AM0 Comments0 Kudos Translate Powered by