RELATIONSHIP??? NAH!!!!

I was thinking today that, I've always loved psychology. What about school? I mean serving drinks and looking good while I do it. That can't possibly be my only talent?

I thought about the word I love you today also. Do you know how long its been sense I have told some one non related that I loved them. lol. You know when you're young a lot of you out there probably get this kind of a pep talk.

"Stay with the same guy you meet when you're fifteen, and stay together forever ..." ( and even if you're not happy, at least your entire image will make you look like angels right?)

Well, I had the complete opposite of a pep talk. My dad told me ...

"Honey you are gonna have like 20 boyfriends your entire life. There's no sense in crying over any guy.."

"You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em
Cause I don't fuckin' need 'em"

"Me give my heart to a fella
Not for nothin' never happen'
I'll be forever mackin'"

lol just kidding =)

The last time I even told a guy that I loved him I was totally lying .... I didn't even mean it .... and that was like 4 yrs ago...it's a long story. No, I don't just go around telling people I love them, he kind of forced me to. You had to be there to understand ....

I hear people throwing these words around all the time .....

I can't wait for a genuine moment. =)

Ramble ....

Ive got a lot of things on my mind. I usually come to my blog to free write. Especially when its so hard to form my thoughts into sentences ..... Plus it's easy because no one knows I have this blog so no pressure. =)

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write my thoughts as they come, and do no kind of editing .... Just Flow .....

I came home balling today. I did another audition, and again I didn't make it. I don't think that it was that I wasn't attractive. I think more or less, I was just not what they were looking for.

I was sad, I miss my family and it gets hard out here. I feel like I'm searching all the time For something that we'll awaken me. I feel like I've been "silent all these years." Like I'm a chest and no one has the key .....

I guess you could say more than anything. I long for deep understanding and a SOLID connection I thought I met some pretty amazing people in my past. However, now I just don't know.

I feel like everyone I meet almost falls away like sand ... almost like nothing is real. I grasp for them, I try to understand then they vanish. I still don't hesitate to smile every day, because really the fact that I just lolly gaggle through life, and nobody and I mean nobody knows what the heck is going on is some what humorous.

I've thought about just moving to another state. Some where boring and random ..... like Idaho .... or something .... and just go MIA for a while ......

Think about it for a minute .... take all your shit .... your goals .... your aspirations ..... everything and anything, that you ever clung on to in your life .... and just disappear ...... To me it almost sounds exiting. Maybe I'd go to school. Yet, conversations with your new aquatints would be like

" oh yeah um ..... I don't have any friends or family or anything ... I just am ...."

I fight everyday to be sucessful out here ..... but it takes way too freaking long... Sometimes I just want to give up.

I think that its time that I got out more. Jogged or some shit ... why? Because it gets to the point where I feel like I'm looking at the world through a glass box.... I know there's more to life than this..... and I KNOW part of that more is over seas .... but I's be broke right now. (sigh)

So there's this guy, that I really like. He's handsome, smart, everything you could want. That's his image and that's all I'll ever know. Some where inside, I just have a feeling though that if I had of had that chance to dig a little deeper, it would of just gotten better. I imagined myself fighting for him. Getting what I wanted. Or at least making sure, he would never forget me but ........I'll most likely never see him again .......

Then I recently talked to some one that I was in love with a while ago ... I want to see him so bad, I'm afraid to look into his eyes ..... I think I might start balling. Falling apart. Asking too many questions. Beating his chest. I wonder if this would be the most healthy thing to do .......I guess maybe I was curious as to whether he had ever loved me. We in fact .... never told each other. I felt alive with him ...... but he too turned to sand .....

Sometimes I just don't wanna give a fuck .... Being a huge stoner, and staring at the sun all the time, sounds like a great time ......... Lay by the pool reading a book. Yeah .... these are all pretty sweet mental pictures ..... Staring in the eyes of someone with whom you are attracted to. Smelling some one with whom you are attracted to ....Riding in a sweet ass car with sweet ass beats .....Hearing you're off today for [Insert reason here], Defeating a goal, Finding peace, listening to the wind, finding anyone ANYONE you click with, a puppy licking away your tears .... Ok now im just rambling away different mental pictures lol. Later. =)

Happy Birthday Mom

She's got it now .... My mom ... she's got a little bit of that Vegas Sparkle. I bought her a coach purse for her birthday. All together it was a purse and a matching wallet with which, I slipped a clean crisp hundred in.

You should of heard her .....

"I've never had a designer bag before!!! OMG!"

This was more gratifying than I had ever expected. Just to hear how happy she was. How surprised and special she had felt. Exactly what I wanted to give her. Something shiny, something new, something not every one could afford, something expensive, that Vegas sparkle.

Not to change the subject so quickly, but at this point in my life, I am by far, utterly confused. I guess I want it all to make sense and well .... it never will.

I even asked a friend of mine why things happen and why certain people meet. You know what his response was. There isn't a reason for anything, and things just happen. I regard this person's opinions as very respectable. I believe him ... but I just don't get it ....

Maybe I'll write more next time. I just have a lot on my mind.