The Crush, The Date part 1

We went on our first date.

My bedroom is a mess!! I put on a dress, I took it off. I put on some dress pants, I took those off. I twirled in the mirror. I twirled the other way. I tried a hippy dress, than a poofy dress. I tried something old, I tried something new. I tried sexy, I tried cute and innocent, I tried everything!! Whatever I was looking for I wanted it to radiate something magnificent.

I through my fifth conconction of busy patterns and complimenting colors on the floor. I sat down, I stood up. I walked in the bathroom, I walked out of the bathroom. I went in my room, sat on the bed, and pouted.

I was nervous. Not because it was my first date. It was just because, I really like this one. This guy. I like him so much, that I was putting thought into every little detail. My perfume, my make - up, my charismatic smile I practiced in the mirror.

I drove to Walmart, of all places. It was my only option, considering that nothing was open other than the strip stores. and no local, especially in Las Vegas, wants to drive through a tourist infestation if they don't have to.

I walked up and down the isles .... nothing. (sigh) At this point I relized that I was just too picky. Thank you Walmart, but I think I'll look to other coorporations for my fashion needs.

I went home and went to bed.

I woke up at 5 am walking into my closet crossing my fingers.

"Oh just lead me to the right outfit .... come on ...... come on." I hoped

We were meeting at 7:50 and by the time it was 7:00. The outfit I picked ot was just a normal, boring, shirt/dress and the only reason I picked that, was because I didn't have anymore time to be a critic.

I sped off down the highway full speed ahead. I looked around me and saw my shiny dress shoes and short but not too short dress. It felt like my attire and choice of blairing rap music was a funny combination.

Finaly, I made it. Word of life church. I walked up and down the parking lot. Early, of course.

"You're such a looser, you have nothing better to do, of course you're early!" I belittled myself.

I waved at the church goers going by and felt almost a sense of comfort when I saw a black women with an obnoxious hat with flowers pouring out of it. I was trying to seem as non - demonic as possible.

"Hello ..... oh ..... Hello, how are you." I tried to seem convincing with my eyes as well as dialouge.

I wanted it to be real, I wanted this place to be a place full of people who had good intentions, I wanted this place to be pure and sanctified. I was tired. Tired of searching for something good. I wanted to be loved, I didn't want to feel pain anymore. I was scared, and alone. I was afraid of becoming something evil, I didn't want to be a bad person, I didn't want be a whore, I didn't want to be a liar, I didn't want have twisted thoughts ......No one new that though ........ I guess when you add all of these thoughts together what you get is.

"Hello .. how are you? .... Oh me, I'm good thanks."

What the fuck was I doing there!! Just about every guy that I had ever known in my entire life gave two shits about anything in any relation to religion. I felt like a clown!! Was I doing this for my self, or because I like some guy!?!

I cus like a sailor, have anger issues and snap on people like my father, have had a million boyfriends (that doesn not mean I slept with half of the world), I drink, I love weed, I like the idea of sex although I'm not sexually active, I've been abused, I've contemplated murder, I've stolen, lied intentionally, why not just keep this going? Right?

So, maybe I suck. Maybe I'm not an angel, maybe I'm not the virgin Mary. Dammit!! I've tried my whole life to be a good person. For what? So that in the end, I still feel worthless, so that I am told I "might" go to heaven. It was hard for me to be there. SO hard.

No one knows how much I have wanted to give in ...... give in to what? Give in to desires, and give in to morals. Lay down my sword. Sweet surrender.

"When is he gonna be here?!!" I was anxious.

Finaly he walked in, he was wearing a green dress shirt, black dress pants, and dress shoes. He smiled while he holding a bible in one hand ........

To be continued.