Now, I was thinking maybe it would be just as moving to say something like I through a table or I slit my wrist. Also, it brings about another important question. How do you know if this person really cried or if their just adding it, as a pathetic attempt to add emphasis to their otherwise cold vein emotions.
I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Reading books and watching movies.
Today at work, I looked left and I saw naked women. Vouluptious bodies, full breast, and beneath them, a man and a women in a deep passinate kiss. To my left was a man blowing 50,000 dollars and with which he threw me 35 dollars. What's going through my mind at this time? One might wonder.
The primary thought that runs through my mind is, that I am strong. Now, compared to a soldier in Afghanastan. I'm not shit. However, in the war of life, I stand tall. I'm not afraid of the battle field in front of me. I'm not afraid of Vegas.
I met a guy today. He was 24, young, handsome, and was working torwards his degree in one of the top 10 schools in America.
To say that we didn't have a connection, would be a lie. We did. He had a wonderful look in his eyes, had all the charm. Some how though, I couldn't let go. There were bigger and better things on my mind, that i just couldn't let go. I wanted to partake on every feeling, but I held back.
This has been a reoccuring problem that I have had. Here I am confronted with America's most eligible bachelors, yet I can't give them all of me.
What is it that holds me back? I've asked myself countless times, yet I cannot seem to find the answer.
He told me, " You're going to live a life full of regrets ....."
I wondered, if he was right.
I Second guessed myself, as it only seems fitting.
I didn't give him all that he wanted.
There I was, in Hugh Hefners mansion at the palms, the top sweet. A man. young, and handsome, with a pocket full of excstasy .......... and I turned him down.
A man working torwards a law degree, and an ID to prove it.
I said no ....... and it wasn't the first time I had done something in relation to this.
What was the point of that? I wish I knew. I guess oneday maybe everything will fall into place.
What if I had of said yes to that guy I had met? I could have had him, easily. I know this. I made things so complicated. So much deeper than maybe they had to be.
Could it be, that I'm so picky that I'm going to live a life alone. Solitary, just because I felt like I was too good for someone or something.
Or could it be that I just play for keeps? Who knows ......
Could it be, that maybe the sluts of the world have something ....... besides a higher probability of contracting a disiease. Could it be that ..... i'm the stupid one. I'm the one that has turned down all the fantasies ...... all the moments that 90 yr old women dream about.
I'm sitting in my apartment alone. That's how it's always been. No permanent visitors, no one to snuggle with. Honestly, I never minded that much.
Yet, as I feel the cold days coming ..... I wonder, if I can make it a winter alone, no one to talk to when I reach the gates of rest, my apartment. I think i can. but it will be a long one. Seeking warmth somewhere in between my sheets. Hoping that my heart will illumiate on it's own. Finding comfort in the stories of others and their visits home. Hugging a pillow as if it pumps blood.
