BAD DAY .....Not cool.

I flipped out on a cashier today. She totally tilted me.

I'll save the story and just say her attitude was completely uncalled for. I feel the need to constantly stick up for myself in situations were someone is trying to disrespect me.

One, I live here alone, and I am the only one that has my back. Two, when a person needs to be put in their place, sometimes you have to be the one that does it.

I walked out of the bar for a brief moment to bring my self together and then walked back in. At this point I caught the cashier saying. " I'm gonna slap her in her fucking face. " referring to me.

My reaction was simply these words and a piercing look. " You need to watch you fucking mouth."

She was a big girl, but honestly I have ALOT of heart. So you be the judge. Plus, I had enough adrenaline in me to make your morbid dreams of what could of happened, a reality. Honestly, I almosted wished she just would of ...... you know cus anything after that ..... self defense.

My car broke down, I'm so sad. I actually really like my car. I mean, the car really does nothing for my ego, but it gets me around. I have enough money to go and get a new car, but I am trying my best to salvage what the Honda has left. Now, it's the altanator. =(

I cannot wait until September!!! I took the pool shift for the summer. In Sept, is when all of the girls move inside of the casino for the winter. I am SO excited! I tried taking leave from work Sep 1 - 9 to go to Boston with one of my friends, but I was denied the time off. However, when we move inside I will be taking a 2 month leave. At this point I can go anywhere I want and still come back and have a job.

I have so many places in mind. I can't wait!!

I recenlty just got back from San Fransico California. I was visiting my friend Brian. Brian, is also the same guy I went to Thailand with.

He's an awesome guy. We have alot of fun together. He's starting his own show soon. More on this later.

As for love ..... well, I don't really want anyone right now. I think I have a lot of things to work on about me, before I can be good for anyone else.

I was really into my EX from MO. for a while. I saw him this summer, and realized all the reasons I did like him, and recalled how amazing of a person he was.

Yet, I feel like I just snapped out of something. I don't want to be with him anymore, and I won't be waiting for him ever again. He was expecting to see me when I flew back home, but I won't be seeing him. I in fact called and said these same words to him.

"We've had good times, but it's over now. It's time for us to move on."

He's a good person. I wish him all the best. It's just I've left the nest, I'm growing up, I'm changing and learning and growing everyday. I just don't feel like we're on the same page anymore. I don't want to hold him back with any thoughts of us being together. I'm moving on.

In my journery down these roads alone, I'll be sure to update on any amazing or horrid dates. One, can only hope that I find stimulating conversation. It's so scarce .....

Sometimes I find it hard to pick one guy out from the next. It's an annoying illusion that everyone is the same. I know everyone is unique and different in their own way but jeez. Must I pawn and search for these qualities and .... Why can't they be obvious differences. Sometimes when I'm on the prawl it's like a constant repeat of the same people.

This is not to say " Hey look at me, I have so much to offer." because maybe I don't, but how many people do you know, with a name like Marnica. Atleast you can appreciate that as an obvious difference. It's like I say my name and people are automatically like. FLASH FLASH FLASH her names not Sarah. Hold the phone!! lol!!

How many people do you know who are my age, and my race. I factor in age because the older and older the people you're looking at, the less and less you will see interacial mixing and vice versa.

I like wierd and unique and different. I don't want to have to fish through a bunch of clones to get to a collectors item.

So I'm not looking anymore. Especially sense the thought of doing so annoys me at the moment.

Random .....Random .... Random ....

Why is it that, whenever a person tries to emphasise how hurt or upset or moved they are by something they say the same thing, every time. They say, "you wanna know how upset I was .... I cried." I cried.

Now, I was thinking maybe it would be just as moving to say something like I through a table or I slit my wrist. Also, it brings about another important question. How do you know if this person really cried or if their just adding it, as a pathetic attempt to add emphasis to their otherwise cold vein emotions.


I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Reading books and watching movies.

Today at work, I looked left and I saw naked women. Vouluptious bodies, full breast, and beneath them, a man and a women in a deep passinate kiss. To my left was a man blowing 50,000 dollars and with which he threw me 35 dollars. What's going through my mind at this time? One might wonder.

The primary thought that runs through my mind is, that I am strong. Now, compared to a soldier in Afghanastan. I'm not shit. However, in the war of life, I stand tall. I'm not afraid of the battle field in front of me. I'm not afraid of Vegas.

I met a guy today. He was 24, young, handsome, and was working torwards his degree in one of the top 10 schools in America.

To say that we didn't have a connection, would be a lie. We did. He had a wonderful look in his eyes, had all the charm. Some how though, I couldn't let go. There were bigger and better things on my mind, that i just couldn't let go. I wanted to partake on every feeling, but I held back.

This has been a reoccuring problem that I have had. Here I am confronted with America's most eligible bachelors, yet I can't give them all of me.

What is it that holds me back? I've asked myself countless times, yet I cannot seem to find the answer.

He told me, " You're going to live a life full of regrets ....."

I wondered, if he was right.

I Second guessed myself, as it only seems fitting.

I didn't give him all that he wanted.

There I was, in Hugh Hefners mansion at the palms, the top sweet. A man. young, and handsome, with a pocket full of excstasy .......... and I turned him down.

A man working torwards a law degree, and an ID to prove it.

I said no ....... and it wasn't the first time I had done something in relation to this.

What was the point of that? I wish I knew. I guess oneday maybe everything will fall into place.

What if I had of said yes to that guy I had met? I could have had him, easily. I know this. I made things so complicated. So much deeper than maybe they had to be.

Could it be, that I'm so picky that I'm going to live a life alone. Solitary, just because I felt like I was too good for someone or something.

Or could it be that I just play for keeps? Who knows ......

Could it be, that maybe the sluts of the world have something ....... besides a higher probability of contracting a disiease. Could it be that ..... i'm the stupid one. I'm the one that has turned down all the fantasies ...... all the moments that 90 yr old women dream about.

I'm sitting in my apartment alone. That's how it's always been. No permanent visitors, no one to snuggle with. Honestly, I never minded that much.

Yet, as I feel the cold days coming ..... I wonder, if I can make it a winter alone, no one to talk to when I reach the gates of rest, my apartment. I think i can. but it will be a long one. Seeking warmth somewhere in between my sheets. Hoping that my heart will illumiate on it's own. Finding comfort in the stories of others and their visits home. Hugging a pillow as if it pumps blood.