We went on our first date.
My bedroom is a mess!! I put on a dress, I took it off. I put on some dress pants, I took those off. I twirled in the mirror. I twirled the other way. I tried a hippy dress, than a poofy dress. I tried something old, I tried something new. I tried sexy, I tried cute and innocent, I tried everything!! Whatever I was looking for I wanted it to radiate something magnificent.
I through my fifth conconction of busy patterns and complimenting colors on the floor. I sat down, I stood up. I walked in the bathroom, I walked out of the bathroom. I went in my room, sat on the bed, and pouted.
I was nervous. Not because it was my first date. It was just because, I really like this one. This guy. I like him so much, that I was putting thought into every little detail. My perfume, my make - up, my charismatic smile I practiced in the mirror.
I drove to Walmart, of all places. It was my only option, considering that nothing was open other than the strip stores. and no local, especially in Las Vegas, wants to drive through a tourist infestation if they don't have to.
I walked up and down the isles .... nothing. (sigh) At this point I relized that I was just too picky. Thank you Walmart, but I think I'll look to other coorporations for my fashion needs.
I went home and went to bed.
I woke up at 5 am walking into my closet crossing my fingers.
"Oh just lead me to the right outfit .... come on ...... come on." I hoped
We were meeting at 7:50 and by the time it was 7:00. The outfit I picked ot was just a normal, boring, shirt/dress and the only reason I picked that, was because I didn't have anymore time to be a critic.
I sped off down the highway full speed ahead. I looked around me and saw my shiny dress shoes and short but not too short dress. It felt like my attire and choice of blairing rap music was a funny combination.
Finaly, I made it. Word of life church. I walked up and down the parking lot. Early, of course.
"You're such a looser, you have nothing better to do, of course you're early!" I belittled myself.
I waved at the church goers going by and felt almost a sense of comfort when I saw a black women with an obnoxious hat with flowers pouring out of it. I was trying to seem as non - demonic as possible.
"Hello ..... oh ..... Hello, how are you." I tried to seem convincing with my eyes as well as dialouge.
I wanted it to be real, I wanted this place to be a place full of people who had good intentions, I wanted this place to be pure and sanctified. I was tired. Tired of searching for something good. I wanted to be loved, I didn't want to feel pain anymore. I was scared, and alone. I was afraid of becoming something evil, I didn't want to be a bad person, I didn't want be a whore, I didn't want to be a liar, I didn't want have twisted thoughts ......No one new that though ........ I guess when you add all of these thoughts together what you get is.
"Hello .. how are you? .... Oh me, I'm good thanks."
What the fuck was I doing there!! Just about every guy that I had ever known in my entire life gave two shits about anything in any relation to religion. I felt like a clown!! Was I doing this for my self, or because I like some guy!?!
I cus like a sailor, have anger issues and snap on people like my father, have had a million boyfriends (that doesn not mean I slept with half of the world), I drink, I love weed, I like the idea of sex although I'm not sexually active, I've been abused, I've contemplated murder, I've stolen, lied intentionally, why not just keep this going? Right?
So, maybe I suck. Maybe I'm not an angel, maybe I'm not the virgin Mary. Dammit!! I've tried my whole life to be a good person. For what? So that in the end, I still feel worthless, so that I am told I "might" go to heaven. It was hard for me to be there. SO hard.
No one knows how much I have wanted to give in ...... give in to what? Give in to desires, and give in to morals. Lay down my sword. Sweet surrender.
"When is he gonna be here?!!" I was anxious.
Finaly he walked in, he was wearing a green dress shirt, black dress pants, and dress shoes. He smiled while he holding a bible in one hand ........
To be continued.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Stick to the plan
It's so hard for me to express how I'm feeling sometimes. I try and form my words into sentences, and it's useless. My feelings get jumbled around the letters, and I don't know what to do. I try and spit out what I'm thinking and nothing comes out but air.
I'm thinking, and thinking, trying to get every word out just right. It's just impossible. Instead, of accomplishing communication, I'm just left sitting there, like a bumbling idiot.
When I write, it's like the words come out smoother. I'm not trying so hard to analize every little thing I say before I say it.
My crush and I have talked on the phone more than I have talked to any stranger in the past 3 years. Usually it's all text.
I pretty sure though, he likes me as a friend, not as much more.
He's got a lot of things going on in his life.
I think in Vegas, I should just stick to business. That was always my original plan, anyway.
I'm thinking, and thinking, trying to get every word out just right. It's just impossible. Instead, of accomplishing communication, I'm just left sitting there, like a bumbling idiot.
When I write, it's like the words come out smoother. I'm not trying so hard to analize every little thing I say before I say it.
My crush and I have talked on the phone more than I have talked to any stranger in the past 3 years. Usually it's all text.
I pretty sure though, he likes me as a friend, not as much more.
He's got a lot of things going on in his life.
I think in Vegas, I should just stick to business. That was always my original plan, anyway.
Monday, September 14, 2009
GAME OVER
Hey WEGAS - (Who ever gives a shit)
So, I've been on two dates. One a man in the air force, who was 25, going into the intelligence unit. Two, a Nevada DJ, Age 26. Some pretty interesting and good times. I'd love to outline these moments.
Lastly, I somehow ended all of this with a huge crush on someone whose been under my nose for quite some time, and that I haven't gone on any dates with yet.
Mr. Intellingence: Basically I ended up talking to this guy all night in morse code. You know, it was the kind of connection where you don't need to use words. He wasn't ugly, but he also wasn't really the kind of guy I'd go for.
We met through my friend Trisha. I was obviously, as ussual, the wing-girl. This time though, I think SHE was the one not having fun. So ha.
There was a really talented band playing that night. They played one of my favorite songs. "No, woman, no cry." I sat on the ground and motioned my arms around like a godess. Swaying my head. I missed those days in St. Louis. I wanted to spin around in circles, and dance like a hippy/candy kid. It felt like the band was playing just for me, and just for my birthday.
I got really wasted that night. Tequila, after tequila. Beer after beer. It was like the alcholic olympics. It was my birthday in 3 days, so it was guzzle guzzle time.
My favorite part on this date is when Mr intelligence stared at me.
"You're different." He stared into nothing. It looked like he was trying hard to define me. Squinting his eyes.
"Thanks." I muttered. Positve that he was implying "different" as something not cool at all.
"No, no, that's not a bad thing. Not at all." He transitioned my thoughts.
He turned his head, eyes full of life. Staring deep into my eyes.
"What?!" I felt offended, or like I had something crawling on my face.
"I like looking at you. what can I say? Maybe, I like looking into your eyes. I don't like the Vegas type ...... you know? All showy. I like people that are more conservative, people that I can actually have a conversation with, intelligent people ....... You know I can honestly say, that I've never met a girl like you. "
I think in that moment. That was something that I really needed to hear. Even if there is a possiblitly that that can be translated into: I wanna fuck you. Do you feel special now? I needed to hear it. It made me feel beautiful. So, I smiled. I was glad I met him that night, and that would be the last time I'd ever see him. We never exchanged numbers. I left, like cinderella. GAME OVER
Date number 2: To protect his true idenity we'll call him DJ sole. A DJ!! Exciting right? He travels the world, talented, has women all over him. Sounded good to me.
I'm gonna skip pass how we met, and get to our first date.
It was my birthday. I was lounging by my computer, trying to think about all the reasons I wasn't a looser for sitting there, drinking vodka and wine alone on my birthday.
Eventually, he got off work and came to my house at around eleven thirty. We hit it off. He was flipping hilarious!! Every crack at a joke he made, ended in sucess.
We watched a movie together, and cuddled. We began to explore how we felt to one another, in each others arms, excluding the "special parts" , if you will. It felt amazing, yet we never even made it to a kiss.
The night ended because it was extremely late, and he had to work in about 3 hours. While trying to close the door slowly, I had a newfound hope in the male race, his face was so cute and inviting.
He said " Hey, I'll call you toomarow, k?"
My face held no expression. " Huh? Oh yeah ..... uh .... yeah definitely! Um .... look, I don't know how this stuff works ...... " I half pleaded.
He repeated himself and grinned, " I'll call you toomarow."
" Um, okay ... toomarow." I shut the door.
What if he didn't call? What if he was just saying that to be nice? What if he didn't like the smell of my apartment? What if he thought my wearing pajamas for a first date was a lack of effort?!! My heart was racing. I plopped on my couch.
" I guess we'll find out .... " I thought to myself.
The next day, we began to text each other back and fourth. He called me that night. We started talking to each other. I thought the conversation was going fine, and then he paused.
"Hey can I call you back? I have to take my dog for a walk."
My brain jolted. I'm not sure if that's possible, but that's the best way I can describe how I felt.
"Yeah, of course!! Call me back ..." I sounded as non - suspicious as possible.
He did call me back, but I didn't pick up the phone. I had decided that my intuition was screaming ....
"Don't pick up!!! Don't do it!!! What guy calls you and then hangs up to walk his dog!!?? Who does that???!!! Red Flags!!!! RED FLAGS!!!!!"
Once my inner vocies chilled the fuck out, I called him back. He didn't answer. Tooshay. I went to sleep.
Over the next few days. We text back and fourth, but either he would be flaky about it, or I would be flaky about it. Eventually I decided that whatever we were doing, was retarded, so I decided to send him a final text, it went as follows.
"Hey you, it was nice meeeting you, and I think you're really nice!! I have an idea though, how about we STOP texting each other. I say the ball is in MY court, and if I want to hang out, I'll give YOU a call." So, maybe I'll call, and maybe I won't. Bye =)."
He responded. " Oooookay, that was outta no where. Didn't really think there was a " ball " in anyones court. Guess I was wrong. PEACE."
"Oh well, That was that, and I'll never see him again." I sighed.
My friday at work is on a Monday. I had just gotten off my lunch break and started my rounds.
" Cocktails? ......... Beverage anyone? ......." I gave my winning vegas smile as I walked along.
A cute asian girl looks up and says.
"No thanks, we're good."
Her significant other motions to agree and unescasarily repeats her remarks.
"Yeah, we're good."
I turn to give the man eye contact, and .........
There it was, DJ sole, in MY section, with ANOTHER girl, right after I had seen him FOUR days ago, on MY birthday. We were JUST talking on the phone the OTHER day!!!!!
Wtf? Was it all just some twisted coincedence, he could have gone anywhere else on the strip, I mean seriously. Why did he end up in my section? Was he trying to make some kind of point. Part of me really wanted to cus him out. It wasn't the fact that he was with another girl, it was just ...... principle.
I couldn't believe that. Date #2 GAME OVER.
The Crush:
Sometimes, at work on my lunch break, I sit by myself, Sometimes, I sit with a bunch of people. It really just depends on who is around in the cafeteria at the moment, and if I think you'll make my dining experience more enjoyable. Sometimes, if I see someone, I can just tell our conversations, would be forced, and there would be too many ackward moments. In this case I'd rather sit alone.
On this particular day, I sat by myself. I mosied along to one of the bar stools, and passed my soon to be crush.
"Hey!! Marley? " My crush looked up from a table that he too was sitting at alone.
"Come sit with me." he said in a way that sounded more like an order than a request.
I had never had lunch with him, but he seemed intruiging and nice.
I wanted to be sure.
"Huh?," I gave him the, I'm not sure who the fuck you're talking to face.
"Come over!" He said again.
So I did. We began to talk, about random things.
There was a couple sitting across from us. They seemed like the kind of couple that had been together for years. When I sat down, apart of me felt wierd sitting across from them, it felt like I was intruding on some kind of deep bonding, that I wasn't invited to. By the end of lunch I never even knew they existed. It was as if the whole world disappeared.
This guy ended up telling things about him that I had no idea about. For right now, I'm not going to talk about these things. I will tell you this. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. I say that with complete and utter confidence.
The past year and half, I spent chasing guys that aren't even here. He was right here with me the whole time. I feel ashamed. This guy is so cool, that I don't know if he has money, and I don't care. Who he is, is enough.
What was I chasing, before? Men with money, and power, and an image. Men, who couldn't even see me for me. Men who couldn't even find value in a friendship with me. Men, who took it upon themselves to come and go with the seasons. Men, trapped in a glass case. I mean serioulsy what is that?
I lost myself. It's Vegas. What do you expect? Right? I forgot who I was.
I am so much more, than an image, I am so much more than money, I am so much more than begging another human for their time. I have a soul, I have a heart, I have depths. I can see things from different angles. I was trying to be something ......... I wasn't .......
My crush and I exchanged e - mails for about week on facebook. Then I finaly gave him my number a day ago. He called that night, we talked for about two and half hours. I didn't want him to go.
My dad said.
"Baby, when you find some one who has amazing qualities, you've got your million dollars right there because that, .... that's hard to find."
I love my dad.
Even if things never get to that level with my crush. I am just so fucking happy. That some one like him exist on this planet.
P.S. - Awesome get over asshole songs
30 seconds to mars - The kill
* Look in my eyes, you're killing me
* I tried to be some one else.
Phil Collins (Yes I typed phil collins) - I don't care anymore.
*I remember those times when you laughed in my face cus you held the cards.
So, I've been on two dates. One a man in the air force, who was 25, going into the intelligence unit. Two, a Nevada DJ, Age 26. Some pretty interesting and good times. I'd love to outline these moments.
Lastly, I somehow ended all of this with a huge crush on someone whose been under my nose for quite some time, and that I haven't gone on any dates with yet.
Mr. Intellingence: Basically I ended up talking to this guy all night in morse code. You know, it was the kind of connection where you don't need to use words. He wasn't ugly, but he also wasn't really the kind of guy I'd go for.
We met through my friend Trisha. I was obviously, as ussual, the wing-girl. This time though, I think SHE was the one not having fun. So ha.
There was a really talented band playing that night. They played one of my favorite songs. "No, woman, no cry." I sat on the ground and motioned my arms around like a godess. Swaying my head. I missed those days in St. Louis. I wanted to spin around in circles, and dance like a hippy/candy kid. It felt like the band was playing just for me, and just for my birthday.
I got really wasted that night. Tequila, after tequila. Beer after beer. It was like the alcholic olympics. It was my birthday in 3 days, so it was guzzle guzzle time.
My favorite part on this date is when Mr intelligence stared at me.
"You're different." He stared into nothing. It looked like he was trying hard to define me. Squinting his eyes.
"Thanks." I muttered. Positve that he was implying "different" as something not cool at all.
"No, no, that's not a bad thing. Not at all." He transitioned my thoughts.
He turned his head, eyes full of life. Staring deep into my eyes.
"What?!" I felt offended, or like I had something crawling on my face.
"I like looking at you. what can I say? Maybe, I like looking into your eyes. I don't like the Vegas type ...... you know? All showy. I like people that are more conservative, people that I can actually have a conversation with, intelligent people ....... You know I can honestly say, that I've never met a girl like you. "
I think in that moment. That was something that I really needed to hear. Even if there is a possiblitly that that can be translated into: I wanna fuck you. Do you feel special now? I needed to hear it. It made me feel beautiful. So, I smiled. I was glad I met him that night, and that would be the last time I'd ever see him. We never exchanged numbers. I left, like cinderella. GAME OVER
Date number 2: To protect his true idenity we'll call him DJ sole. A DJ!! Exciting right? He travels the world, talented, has women all over him. Sounded good to me.
I'm gonna skip pass how we met, and get to our first date.
It was my birthday. I was lounging by my computer, trying to think about all the reasons I wasn't a looser for sitting there, drinking vodka and wine alone on my birthday.
Eventually, he got off work and came to my house at around eleven thirty. We hit it off. He was flipping hilarious!! Every crack at a joke he made, ended in sucess.
We watched a movie together, and cuddled. We began to explore how we felt to one another, in each others arms, excluding the "special parts" , if you will. It felt amazing, yet we never even made it to a kiss.
The night ended because it was extremely late, and he had to work in about 3 hours. While trying to close the door slowly, I had a newfound hope in the male race, his face was so cute and inviting.
He said " Hey, I'll call you toomarow, k?"
My face held no expression. " Huh? Oh yeah ..... uh .... yeah definitely! Um .... look, I don't know how this stuff works ...... " I half pleaded.
He repeated himself and grinned, " I'll call you toomarow."
" Um, okay ... toomarow." I shut the door.
What if he didn't call? What if he was just saying that to be nice? What if he didn't like the smell of my apartment? What if he thought my wearing pajamas for a first date was a lack of effort?!! My heart was racing. I plopped on my couch.
" I guess we'll find out .... " I thought to myself.
The next day, we began to text each other back and fourth. He called me that night. We started talking to each other. I thought the conversation was going fine, and then he paused.
"Hey can I call you back? I have to take my dog for a walk."
My brain jolted. I'm not sure if that's possible, but that's the best way I can describe how I felt.
"Yeah, of course!! Call me back ..." I sounded as non - suspicious as possible.
He did call me back, but I didn't pick up the phone. I had decided that my intuition was screaming ....
"Don't pick up!!! Don't do it!!! What guy calls you and then hangs up to walk his dog!!?? Who does that???!!! Red Flags!!!! RED FLAGS!!!!!"
Once my inner vocies chilled the fuck out, I called him back. He didn't answer. Tooshay. I went to sleep.
Over the next few days. We text back and fourth, but either he would be flaky about it, or I would be flaky about it. Eventually I decided that whatever we were doing, was retarded, so I decided to send him a final text, it went as follows.
"Hey you, it was nice meeeting you, and I think you're really nice!! I have an idea though, how about we STOP texting each other. I say the ball is in MY court, and if I want to hang out, I'll give YOU a call." So, maybe I'll call, and maybe I won't. Bye =)."
He responded. " Oooookay, that was outta no where. Didn't really think there was a " ball " in anyones court. Guess I was wrong. PEACE."
"Oh well, That was that, and I'll never see him again." I sighed.
My friday at work is on a Monday. I had just gotten off my lunch break and started my rounds.
" Cocktails? ......... Beverage anyone? ......." I gave my winning vegas smile as I walked along.
A cute asian girl looks up and says.
"No thanks, we're good."
Her significant other motions to agree and unescasarily repeats her remarks.
"Yeah, we're good."
I turn to give the man eye contact, and .........
There it was, DJ sole, in MY section, with ANOTHER girl, right after I had seen him FOUR days ago, on MY birthday. We were JUST talking on the phone the OTHER day!!!!!
Wtf? Was it all just some twisted coincedence, he could have gone anywhere else on the strip, I mean seriously. Why did he end up in my section? Was he trying to make some kind of point. Part of me really wanted to cus him out. It wasn't the fact that he was with another girl, it was just ...... principle.
I couldn't believe that. Date #2 GAME OVER.
The Crush:
Sometimes, at work on my lunch break, I sit by myself, Sometimes, I sit with a bunch of people. It really just depends on who is around in the cafeteria at the moment, and if I think you'll make my dining experience more enjoyable. Sometimes, if I see someone, I can just tell our conversations, would be forced, and there would be too many ackward moments. In this case I'd rather sit alone.
On this particular day, I sat by myself. I mosied along to one of the bar stools, and passed my soon to be crush.
"Hey!! Marley? " My crush looked up from a table that he too was sitting at alone.
"Come sit with me." he said in a way that sounded more like an order than a request.
I had never had lunch with him, but he seemed intruiging and nice.
I wanted to be sure.
"Huh?," I gave him the, I'm not sure who the fuck you're talking to face.
"Come over!" He said again.
So I did. We began to talk, about random things.
There was a couple sitting across from us. They seemed like the kind of couple that had been together for years. When I sat down, apart of me felt wierd sitting across from them, it felt like I was intruding on some kind of deep bonding, that I wasn't invited to. By the end of lunch I never even knew they existed. It was as if the whole world disappeared.
This guy ended up telling things about him that I had no idea about. For right now, I'm not going to talk about these things. I will tell you this. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. I say that with complete and utter confidence.
The past year and half, I spent chasing guys that aren't even here. He was right here with me the whole time. I feel ashamed. This guy is so cool, that I don't know if he has money, and I don't care. Who he is, is enough.
What was I chasing, before? Men with money, and power, and an image. Men, who couldn't even see me for me. Men who couldn't even find value in a friendship with me. Men, who took it upon themselves to come and go with the seasons. Men, trapped in a glass case. I mean serioulsy what is that?
I lost myself. It's Vegas. What do you expect? Right? I forgot who I was.
I am so much more, than an image, I am so much more than money, I am so much more than begging another human for their time. I have a soul, I have a heart, I have depths. I can see things from different angles. I was trying to be something ......... I wasn't .......
My crush and I exchanged e - mails for about week on facebook. Then I finaly gave him my number a day ago. He called that night, we talked for about two and half hours. I didn't want him to go.
My dad said.
"Baby, when you find some one who has amazing qualities, you've got your million dollars right there because that, .... that's hard to find."
I love my dad.
Even if things never get to that level with my crush. I am just so fucking happy. That some one like him exist on this planet.
P.S. - Awesome get over asshole songs
30 seconds to mars - The kill
* Look in my eyes, you're killing me
* I tried to be some one else.
Phil Collins (Yes I typed phil collins) - I don't care anymore.
*I remember those times when you laughed in my face cus you held the cards.
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