Current Post from Now on.

I drive a 1990 Honda Accord. I bought it last year some time, before that I was taking 4 buses to and back from the Las Vegas strip to summerlin or vice versa. It usually took about 3 hours to get to and from work. I love my car, I think she's gonna need some work done soon though.

Anyway, I just got home from Walgreens. There, I bought blush, sleeping pills, and a shower cap. I was strolling through the isles when a man stopped me and asked ...

"Find what you're looking for?" He was being nosy might I add.

I defensively said " What? .... "What do you mean?" I ignored him and walked away.

Now, ever sense I got my own place, and I live alone, and I live in Vegas of all places. I guess being a bitch to strangers makes me feel safer. Atleast, just the ones that I get a bad vibe from. I feel like if I'm sweet .... they want more. I call it street smarts, it's not my real personalty though, I can actually be pretty personable.

I got in my car and repeated the same thing I always do when I get in my car.

"Come on Flush!!! Come on .... don't do this to me now girl, not at Walgreens with all these creepy people outside ..."
(I call my car flush, she's named after a Royal, it's the biggest hand in poker)

She started. I was relieved. Good girl.

I haven't seen my family in a while. The last time I saw them was during the elections. Thanksgiving, Christmas, all the holidays, I spent alone away from them.

When I think about it though, I think I'd rather spend a historical day like the election night, over one of those superficial holidays. anyway.

Pretty soon, I should be going back home and probably traveling to another state as well. Boston was in the plans, sense my friend Trisha is going there but, I also have another friend that's going to Paris. Desicions .... Desicions.

So, in my most recent post. There was a guy that I wasn't suppost to call. He told me to never e-mail and yadi yadi .... well, I did anyway. I guess part of me figured that he already thought I was wacko, so what the hay right?

This guy, was real real smart and was going to Harvard too. He was my age and handsome. Well spoken. Dressed pretty good.

Well, we arent' talking. I'm positive that we won't ever again.

Theres one part that I just couldn't let go. I couldn't figure out why he talked to me like I was nobody. He just wrote me off. Basically said he didn't want anything to do with me. Like I killed his fucking dog or something. I never killed that dude's dog.

Was it really too much to ask to end things ..... as friends. He never treated me like a human being.

He was SO smart, that I Probably wouldn't have been able to stimulate him mentally. Which is something I think you have to have. I mean whenever he used a word I almost always had to have a dictionary on hand. I loved the challenge, he probably thought I was an idiot though.

To add to that. I wasn't born with a silver spoon, he was. We came from two different worlds. He may have never understood me.

He was jewish, so theres most likely a high probablilty that his parents would have hated me and disowned him for seeing me.

We live on complete opposite sides of the world.

I'm not the sane'ist person in the world.

Bla Bla Bla

All of these things I can admit. Okay, Okay, it wouldn't of worked out.

I just didn't understand why in the end, we weren't shaking on it. We should have both tapped out. I would have felt better walking away knowing that we both learned a thing or two, and that maybe we weren't for each other but if I saw him on the street I could atleast wave, not duck and cover.

Believe me, I think if I saw this guy I might seriously ..... hide. Just for fear that he might burn holes through my skull with his eyes.

I think he was a good person. In fact, I know he was. He just never let me get to know him. I wanted to see past his money and his image. He made it so hard. What little feelings I did find, were SO hard to get to that it was almost unbareable.

I was making him work for it. For me. Instilling desire, creating anticipation. Making sure are moments were memorable, because you remember more the things you worked hard for, then the things that were just given to you right

What he'll never know is the reasons I never had sex with him, before he turned me down, was so that I could keep him and because I was playing for keeps, and if I couldn't keep him I wanted him to atleast have feelings for me. That's what I was waiting for, the feelings. And it takes time. Passion. I guess they never came, the feelings, or better yet they didn't develope in time.

Fuck it.

Last but not least. The guy I was in Love with from St. Louis, Aaaaa yes. We never told each other we loved each other. Well folks, Guess what? He told me he loved me. He said the words that are so hard for me to say. I almost shit in my pants. All I remeber, is this is how it happened.

Him: "I love you ..."
Me: "What??!!!"

It took us basically a year and a half to finaly admit it to each other, and you know what? I'm proud of it (I said it back). He's a good dude. When I talk to him I feel like I'm on cloud nine.

He challenges me metally. He only agrees with me sometimes, and when he does disagree, he always seems to be right and changes my perspective into something less tainted and more beautiful. He also has a degree in philosophy. So did the last guy I was talking about. I've had the pleasure of being around some amazing people. I have always attracted philosophical people in my life.

He makes me laugh, and makes me smile. Most importantly though, I feel like he's my best friend. I can tell him anything and not feel stupid. I can even tell him when another guy totally disses me and not feel stupid. I can tell him that I'm on level 95 on a computer game and not feel stupid. We race each other to see who wins. We make fun of each other like we're eight years old. We're passionate. We fight and yell at each other, then one of us always tries to pretend like nothing happened. You know? The old subject change. We play onliner poker together and he yells at me the entire time.

"Why!!!! Why did you do that?!!! ...... No!!! Noo!!! You should fold that!!! Why would you raise right there??? Nooo!! .. God!! I can't stand this!!! I can't watch this anymore!!!" lol.

I'm working on my poker. =)

The fact of the matter still is this.

He's not here with me in Vegas. I'm gonna have to let him go. I'm tired of wishing some one who isn't here was here.

I don't think I've honestly ever really commited myself to someone, and I'd like to try it one day. What a scary word commitment. ehhh lol.

I went out with a bunch of girls from work. We all mobbed deep to club Prive. We danced and drank vodka, or whatever was on the table. I think there was one guy with us from work. He trickled off along with a few others by the end of the night.

After Prive, we went to XS, and sense we work there, we got our own table easy. We had so much fun!! We danced all night. Laughing, and smiling at each other, taking pictures. I smoked, which is not good. That's how I knew I was drunk though.

The diversity in Vegas is so beautiful. We are the second most diverse city in America. New York is number one. Man, I'd love to see New York. If you look at the picture of me and all the girls, you can see it. We are all different. Differnet shades, different smiles. It's not so black and white like MO, where I'm originally from.

By the end of night. Everyone had left exept for one other cocktail waitress that I work with.

(She's the Blond next to me on the stripper pole, we're not sure who the other girl is).

There was a couple of shots left in the bottle, we shared them together, and just kind of laughed at the situation: We were the last two standing.

At some point, I decided that it was time for us to go home. Now, we are both completely trashed. I decided the smartest thing to do would be to rode dog it with Christina back to her house , make sure she was safe, and then take a taxi back to my car.

To make a long story short, she and I talked until the sun came up. Christina had a lot of things on her mind. She was going through a lot. A lot more than I had ever read on her face, just seeing her at work. She cried, and has she told me all of her problems, wants and hopes in life, and how she felt about them. She was never more beautiful. I saw a sweet, vulnerable girl with a heart bigger than the world could ever see. I would never look at her the same after that day.

She also told me her story. The story of how she got the job at the Wynn. How happy she was, how much it meant to her, and how much it changed her life. Maybe one day you'll hear her story and mine too. We were all picked to work at the Wynn for a reason. It wasn't just how we looked, but who we are too. I'm am so proud of where I work. You dont believe me ask anyone from Vegas about the Wynn and they'll always say the same thing.

"Man it's hard to get a job there ......"

Lastly, had a verbal coaching at work, or in other words got reemed by my boss. I know she's just doing her job, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks being given a list of reasons on why you suck. I'm gonna try and fix the problems I'm having. It just sucks because sometimes I feel like trouble always finds me.

Heres one of things I got in trouble for, answering the phones as follows ....

"Thank you for calling the fith demension this is Marnica how may I direct your existence?"

Apparently that is an inappropriate way to answer the phone. Who Knew?

Yeah ..... I'll work on not being funny. Come on .... That's funny. =)