D fucking saster!!!!!

I would like to begin this blog by saying that I have watched "He's not that into you" and personaly I think the movie is a big contradiction. It seems like they confuse stalking as "not loosing hope" and actually encourages the behavior.

Disaster!!!! My whole summer so far has been a disaster, atleast in the love category. I must be cursed somehow. Money is good. Apartment is good. Friendships Good. Love life, fucking a disaster!!!!

The guy that I thought I "loved" ...... that's a whole different story.

The guy that I was attempting to get to know or atleast "hook up" with, thinks I'm a stalker and basically told me in a matter of fact tone, that we are not compatible, theres nothing between us.

The guy that I left, well honestly was a nice guy. However, when I look at the big picture. I need more than some one who is a good provider. In the end, I can do that all alone. Personlity is a necessity of mine and if you don't have one, I'll get bored quick.

So what the hell .....

I'm single, and honestly I don't really care that much. However, there have been several instances that I have wondered when the statistics of life would be in my favor.

I was exited all summer about seeing guy number two. I saw him once. It was great!!! He kissed better than usual. He cut his hair .... but I got over it. He was smart and funny and I wanted to see him again ..... so much that .... maybe I forgot to be in the moment when I was with him.

I fucked up though. I came on too strong and I know I did and I guess maybe I do seem like a stalker. In all of my wildest dreams I NEVER really thought I would be labled as a stalker. I think it's almost funny. Wow. I think I'm a pretty cool chick. You just have to get to know me jeez.

Trisha the first girl I met in Vegas just didn't understand.

"What? .... Why would he .... why would he say all those things to you?"

"It's my fault I said I came on too strong ....."

"Marley .... you can't do that ......you know how guys are!"

"I know!!! I just .... I just really like him and .... I couldn't pretend."

I layed all the details out for her and said. So can I send him one more e-mail ..... Just say .... you know hey I know you think I'm a stalker (tap,tap,I'm right behind you) jk .......and I know that you don't think we're compatible but hey when you're back in Vegas in July I'd LOVE to see you again ........

She was disgusted ..... What? No DO NOT fucking email OR text him.

Why?!!? ....I wondered.

That's when she told me the ugly truth.

If a guy tells you to leave him the fuck alone then you leave him the fuck alone you need to respect what he wants.

Wow. She was right ..... and I knew it .... and I hated it .... there would be no more text .... there would be no more e-mails ..... and I am just left here wondering if they have support groups for stalkers. Hi my name is Marley and I stalk people .... I think I realize now that, theres just a fine line between persistance and violating someone's exitstence.

Life is so backwards sometimes .... The guy you don't want is all over ya ..... and the guy you do want wishes you were ..... some one else ..... jesus. (hand on fore head)

So I still wonder what it was ..... It actually hurt bad to hear that I wasn't wanted. To know that being friends wasn't even an option .... It seemed like more than uninterested ... it felt like hatred. Why though? I just don't get it ...... Why did it hurt .... I didn't know him. We were never close ..... so I still don't understand.

Not to go off topic but, I'm out in the sun everday it shines on my face at work. It's the best. I wait on topless women. Can you say that? The pool lights up when the sun hits it and customers actually know that 60 dollars is 20% of 300.

I've been cracking jokes. The pool seems to be the most fun I've ever had in Las Vegas. All of the girls I work with are beautiful and it makes me proud to be where I am. I feel like I've bonded with them this summer. It's almost like I have a little family.

My fellow employees get me through the day. We make fun of each other and make fun of each others moms' and even make fun of each others love lives and experiences.

Soon, It will be time for me and all the girls to go back inside to the casino. I think with no hesitation ...... I'm really gonna miss the pool.

Being with these people and my friends and having my family. Makes me step back and recollect.... I am so lucky and so happy. I have so many good friends in my life. Inside when I look deep down, even though it sounds gay ..... I think I have a lot going for me. So, so what? What if a guy doesn't like me and honestly I can't be mad at some one just because they don't want me included in their personal or romantic life. I think that it's okay for a person to be uninterested in you. I can think of a few people I'm not interested in. The reality of it all is: It still sucks no matter what end you're on.

For now .... I'm going to keep my shit straight. It feels good not dragging behind finacially. I'm moving forward every day. What's scary is all of the desicions I make now will greatly effect my life in my thirtys and forty's. Thus I'm a little nervous to be making desicions.

I'm sending my mom two hundred dollars today. I mainly moved here for personal sucess and to be there when my family needed me. So, it is an honor to help my moher when she needs it. I never thought I would meet so many amazing people along the way, especially in sin city. I never thought I could move to a big city all by myself and reap such great rewards.

I actually typed this a long time ago .... it was in my drafts.

A few days ago was the best I have ever done at the Encore/Wynn. I walked out with enough. I complained. I felt so sick. There are so many people that are less fortunate than I and I complained.

It's not really about the money though. Sometimes, I guess my expextations are too high. I feel like I owe it to my family, and myself, to do something with my life. So every bit counts.

I have to get my greed under control though. If it were judgement day toomarow I would be fucked.

My dad was a marine. I was raised by a soldier. I have respect for our military. If ever I see a man in uniform, I knod in respect. These very men sacrifice their lives so that people like you and I can live. Sitting on your ass and crying, would make them laugh at you ..... and really .... they should.

Don't give me any hippy shit right now. I love hippies. I just don't feel like disputing an argument like: Our soldiers kill people it is inhumane and wrong. This country is based on evil. I know .... I've heard it before.

I'm starting to feel really good. I always thought I needed some one there. Not only this, but I almost always thought a man wanted to feel like he was needed. In this position, it feels awesome. I look around my apartment. I smile, knowing that everything I have I attained myself. I don't need anyone or anything from anyone for the first time in my life. There is a sense of freedom to this.

I feel like I could tell a guy to go fuck himself, but ..... really mean it. lol.

FREE AT LAST!!!!!

So I randomly moved into my own apartment. I'll save you the sob story, I grabbed all of my things and put them one by one, into my 1990 Honda accord and took off ... I was alone, but I remembered the bus ride, when I first got to Vegas. I was alone. It felt familiar, I felt strong, I felt like I'd be OK.

But I wasn't I was raped!!!! I was assaulted. He took my soul. I will never feel human ..... again.

Relax ..... I'm joking ... what's a story with out a little surprise every now and then?

Anyway, seriously, I read a profile on craigslist something about your own room, cheap, cheap, and cheap. So I was like hey .... it's cheap!! I met Roommate #1. I took him out to dinner and that was all that was needed for day 1. Day 2, Beer in the fridge. I was like ....okay.

I was laying on the inflatable bed that I couldn't figure out how to inflate, in a strangers house none the less. So I was laying on a mat, thumbing through craigslist on my cell. I was quite dirty and smelly. I found another ad. It was a women, who had a studio for $590. I arranged to see her that night, even though, I was already staying with potential roommate #1. When I walked in it was perfect. "I'll take it!" I said. All of my things were already in my car so. I called roommate #1 and said "No thanks."

I was finally going to get some peaceful sleep. Before bed, I went to the bathroom opened the door, and SURPRISE!!!! Spiders!!! Nooooo!! I flipped! I absolutely hate BUGS!!! I figured, hey be tough American girl ...... you can do it!! They'll be gone in the morning. Right??

In the morning I walked into the bathroom. Yep, the spiders were gone!! However, in it's place was a whole new specimen!! I ran for the land lord and explained my dilemma. Her response was as follows. "Do you believe in reincarnation?? If you were a spider would you want to be squashed? No, so you should learn to live with them, and just start learning biology ..... WTF?? Right?

So now, I have my own apartment. This is the first time, in my life, I have ever owned .... well, anything besides a shitty car. It's five minutes from the strip. It's soooo quiet. I love this though. I just want to run around naked and like scream, and violate my own rules.

I payed rent for the first time in my life as well. Quite depressing if you ask me. Here you go ... here's 700 bucks yeah no, go ahead, take it.... Even though I'm out a grand to survive every month, I think I'll be OK. I'm already payed up for July. So I won't have to pay again until August 1st. If I can't make seven hundo by then, it would just be, well sad.

My dad is unemployed. My mom is living pay check to pay check. My brother is .... my brother. I want to buy them all plane tickets or in other words fly them to my couch or air mattress. If they can't afford it, I will get them here.

I don't plan on stayng here forever, but I know I will be here for at least 7 more months. I want to go to other cities too like L.A. and New York.

I have transferred out to the pool. So I am now full time at the Wynn/Encore in Las Vegas NV. My pay checks are usually around 5-6 hundred every two weeks, plus tips with which I'm not comfortable talking about just yet. It's a whole shit load it will make you pee in your pants!!! ..... jk lol. I do OK. I will have consistent work until the summer is over.

On the pool, I work with beautiful women. All shapes and sizes ..... wait, I'm lying, none of them are fat ..... now that I think about it ....=/ Any who, We wear custom made red bathing suits, red sarongs, and white tennis shoes. The white shoes will be changed to tan crocks eventually.

I was uncomfortable going out to the pool. The money was good inside and eight hour in the Las Vegas sun is NO joke. Missouri where I'm originally from is very conservative. The top less pool frightened me. You know what though, there is not a day that goes by that I don't see a boob or a nipple, different shapes, sizes and colors. I'm over it, and frankly wondered what the big deal was to begin with. I guess I made it a big deal in mind. Now though, I can look a women square in the eye with out feeling awkward and wink and smile and say "yeah I'll get you Raspberry Daiquiri ... but you better tip me bitch because I'm not here solely to make your vacation the talk of the town back in nowhere ville." Well, everything except the last part. Most people tip.

I'm looking for a second job. It's go time. In other news, the WSOP is coming!! I can't wait!!!! Yay!!!!!

RELATIONSHIP??? NAH!!!!

I was thinking today that, I've always loved psychology. What about school? I mean serving drinks and looking good while I do it. That can't possibly be my only talent?

I thought about the word I love you today also. Do you know how long its been sense I have told some one non related that I loved them. lol. You know when you're young a lot of you out there probably get this kind of a pep talk.

"Stay with the same guy you meet when you're fifteen, and stay together forever ..." ( and even if you're not happy, at least your entire image will make you look like angels right?)

Well, I had the complete opposite of a pep talk. My dad told me ...

"Honey you are gonna have like 20 boyfriends your entire life. There's no sense in crying over any guy.."

"You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em
Cause I don't fuckin' need 'em"

"Me give my heart to a fella
Not for nothin' never happen'
I'll be forever mackin'"

lol just kidding =)

The last time I even told a guy that I loved him I was totally lying .... I didn't even mean it .... and that was like 4 yrs ago...it's a long story. No, I don't just go around telling people I love them, he kind of forced me to. You had to be there to understand ....

I hear people throwing these words around all the time .....

I can't wait for a genuine moment. =)

Ramble ....

Ive got a lot of things on my mind. I usually come to my blog to free write. Especially when its so hard to form my thoughts into sentences ..... Plus it's easy because no one knows I have this blog so no pressure. =)

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write my thoughts as they come, and do no kind of editing .... Just Flow .....

I came home balling today. I did another audition, and again I didn't make it. I don't think that it was that I wasn't attractive. I think more or less, I was just not what they were looking for.

I was sad, I miss my family and it gets hard out here. I feel like I'm searching all the time For something that we'll awaken me. I feel like I've been "silent all these years." Like I'm a chest and no one has the key .....

I guess you could say more than anything. I long for deep understanding and a SOLID connection I thought I met some pretty amazing people in my past. However, now I just don't know.

I feel like everyone I meet almost falls away like sand ... almost like nothing is real. I grasp for them, I try to understand then they vanish. I still don't hesitate to smile every day, because really the fact that I just lolly gaggle through life, and nobody and I mean nobody knows what the heck is going on is some what humorous.

I've thought about just moving to another state. Some where boring and random ..... like Idaho .... or something .... and just go MIA for a while ......

Think about it for a minute .... take all your shit .... your goals .... your aspirations ..... everything and anything, that you ever clung on to in your life .... and just disappear ...... To me it almost sounds exiting. Maybe I'd go to school. Yet, conversations with your new aquatints would be like

" oh yeah um ..... I don't have any friends or family or anything ... I just am ...."

I fight everyday to be sucessful out here ..... but it takes way too freaking long... Sometimes I just want to give up.

I think that its time that I got out more. Jogged or some shit ... why? Because it gets to the point where I feel like I'm looking at the world through a glass box.... I know there's more to life than this..... and I KNOW part of that more is over seas .... but I's be broke right now. (sigh)

So there's this guy, that I really like. He's handsome, smart, everything you could want. That's his image and that's all I'll ever know. Some where inside, I just have a feeling though that if I had of had that chance to dig a little deeper, it would of just gotten better. I imagined myself fighting for him. Getting what I wanted. Or at least making sure, he would never forget me but ........I'll most likely never see him again .......

Then I recently talked to some one that I was in love with a while ago ... I want to see him so bad, I'm afraid to look into his eyes ..... I think I might start balling. Falling apart. Asking too many questions. Beating his chest. I wonder if this would be the most healthy thing to do .......I guess maybe I was curious as to whether he had ever loved me. We in fact .... never told each other. I felt alive with him ...... but he too turned to sand .....

Sometimes I just don't wanna give a fuck .... Being a huge stoner, and staring at the sun all the time, sounds like a great time ......... Lay by the pool reading a book. Yeah .... these are all pretty sweet mental pictures ..... Staring in the eyes of someone with whom you are attracted to. Smelling some one with whom you are attracted to ....Riding in a sweet ass car with sweet ass beats .....Hearing you're off today for [Insert reason here], Defeating a goal, Finding peace, listening to the wind, finding anyone ANYONE you click with, a puppy licking away your tears .... Ok now im just rambling away different mental pictures lol. Later. =)

Happy Birthday Mom

She's got it now .... My mom ... she's got a little bit of that Vegas Sparkle. I bought her a coach purse for her birthday. All together it was a purse and a matching wallet with which, I slipped a clean crisp hundred in.

You should of heard her .....

"I've never had a designer bag before!!! OMG!"

This was more gratifying than I had ever expected. Just to hear how happy she was. How surprised and special she had felt. Exactly what I wanted to give her. Something shiny, something new, something not every one could afford, something expensive, that Vegas sparkle.

Not to change the subject so quickly, but at this point in my life, I am by far, utterly confused. I guess I want it all to make sense and well .... it never will.

I even asked a friend of mine why things happen and why certain people meet. You know what his response was. There isn't a reason for anything, and things just happen. I regard this person's opinions as very respectable. I believe him ... but I just don't get it ....

Maybe I'll write more next time. I just have a lot on my mind.

BAD DAY .....

Wow, today had to be the worst ....... I worked a double, trained at the pool and then did a banquet at night. This night was so strange, I strolled through the ballroom, in my black dress, which was my uniform, and wished I was on the other end ..... I wondered when I would stop being the servant, and be the girl in a dazzling dress, fitted to my body, accompanied by prince charming..... I smiled because the thought, even though it wasn't reality, was enough for me..

I can't complain the money is better than what I used to make, but I feel like, that girl ... that girl I used to hate, the girl that was too insecure to go anywhere with out make up. I was walking around the mall the other day, and ... the perfume .... the make up ... the clothes, they were all things I would of just walked by it seemed, a few months ago... now they seemed, almost necessary .....

It's funny ... for a moment,I almost lost myself I think, in this gig I got, you know? the job .... I beat out 100,000 people to get the job, I think I started to act like someone else ...a snob, just ... better .... lol. If you know me ... it didn't take me long to snap out of that.

Relationships, I don't have one .... There's this guy that's willing to do everything for me, but I'm not drawn to him. I feel like an idiot, because, I spend more time thinking about a guy I'll never see again ...

I want to accept someone who's just a good person, but, I just can't live with out these things: A light that draws me into the persons eyes and captivates me sending chills all over, a light that makes me forget what I was talking about .... Second, energy, energy, energy, .....Third, Stimulating, challenging, conversation, ..... Fourth, I LOVE a smart guy. You could be the nicest person in the entire world, and give me all the money and girts but, if that's not there .... my soul, for lack of a better word, cries ....

Lastly, sometimes .... I wonder if I'm doing this whole Vegas thing right ... because, I love my dad, with all my heart, as well as my mother. I'm out here in Vegas trying to get by, trying to be successful but, my family isn't here. I just don't want to look back and think that I wasted the time I could of spent with my parents to make money .... Sometimes I just don't know.