Queen

Well, it's been a minute sense I last wrote. I am really not sure what to make, of my situation. I'll try really real hard to try and describe my state, and how I feel, and be honest along the way with out disclosing too much info.

The man I am with right now is 30 years old. His name is Jason Ingwaldson. I tell you his name, because I am proud of who he is, and all of the things he has accomplished in his life. You see, Jason was a fighter, and once a fighter, always a fighter. He has won so many championships and titles, it's unreal. He has even layed his hands down in the hall of fame for ameature boxers. In other words, his hands are weapons, and will forever be ... weapons. That's pretty crazy.

Honestly, it's hard for me to believe that some one like him is interested in me. I know what you're thinking .... come on, get some self esteem. Really though, it's hard for me. I can't really say everything about how things are with him, but I can tell you a few things. One, I feel like a queen. I feel like I have stepped up ..... atleast in status. I can tell you that it is difficult being with him ..... He's not your normal guy and he has standards. I can tell you positively that I will NEVER meet another Jason Ingwaldson.

I'm doing things for this guy, that I would never do for anybody else. I called my EX and told him that it was OVER and it would never BE again. Now, Jason doesn't know this but .... that took everything I had. To face Kyle and tell him ...... Over? Never again? Took so much from me. I cried so hard after I did that. He probably thought nothing of it, you know. Kyle and I, we never hated each other ..... we cared alot about each other, whether near or far. I just said good bye to one of my best friends. Whether he could see that or not ...... I don't know. Whether it was the right thing to do. I don't know.

Yeah ..... I could stay friends with Kyle. On the other hand though, what does that say to my boyfriend. I've used that time and time again ...... we're just friends. Actually though, when you think about it. It's disrespectful to your man, and it's a lie ...... because we wouldn't just be friends. There would always be something more.

I have been spending everyday with Jason. I care alot about him. I have met everyone in his life, that means something to him.

What about me though? My family seems broken. My values have stood strong, but jason's values are like the great wall of China!! What can I bring to the table? I ask myself this because, I have his best interest in mind. Listen, if I really wanted the world to feel sorry for me, I'm sure I could find other ways to do it besides writing in a flippin blog. What I am saying is .... Let's just be honest. I haven't won any medals, I'm not Cindy Crawford, I'm not rich, bla bla ...bla ... you catch my drift. So, what does he want from me? He says I have a good heart ...... How does he know that? I mean I question whether I am right in the head and in my heart like ALL the time.

At what point, do I stop and tell myself ..... you're being to hard on yourself. Why can't I feel like I'm worth it. Why does it never feel like I'm enough. At what point will I stop telling myself stupid shit and feel good about myself. I just don't get it. I mean I feel it inside ..... the desire to feel good ... the desire to be some one ..... a good some one ..... a desire to tell my self that I am special and truly amazing, but ...... sometimes it always seems like it's not true.

I don't know where he and I are headed. Same ol' story. With some guy, and not sure where we're going but we're a goin'!! Great (sigh) I do know this .........I don't want to hurt him. I don't know what to do. Here I have this amazing creature and I haven't a clue .... what to do. Do I give him a massage ...... do I tell him a joke ..... is being myself enough. Do I go out and try to win a couple titles? I mean really what the fuck am I suppose to do?!

I wasn't even looking for anyone ...... after I had tried chasing down a rich Harvard poker player. I was done. That took way more energy than I thought it would. (I guess chasing something you can't catch will take alot out of anyone) Vegas is not my scene, never was. I had it engraved on my heart, that Vegas was not the place to find love for me. I was here for sucess, and money.

So now what? I can't raise a family here .....Jason isn't the kind of guy you just have a good time with. You're in it .... you're in it for the long haul. I have not been with someone for a long time before. I have never given that much of me to anyone. I feel in my heart that he might be the person that I've been looking for. The person that I can say I've been with for a long long time.

This is it though. We are in our early stages ....... It's my choice and the choices are .... go for the gold ...... or forfeit the game.

I'm so scared. I really am. Nobody stays together, and even if they do. 99 percent of the time they aren't happy. Dammit, I wanna believe that I can stay with someone forever, not the second the third or the fourth ..... but the first time around. The first ..... I want to be with someone forever and be happy. I guess you never know, if you don't try, and I've never tried.

Whatever I do, I have to do it soon. It's either walk ..... or go for the gold. Maybe I don't want to be the queen and maybe I don't want his crown, but ..... maybe I do, maybe I wanna sit next to him on that throne. I've just never seen myself in that way before.......