Ramble ....

Ive got a lot of things on my mind. I usually come to my blog to free write. Especially when its so hard to form my thoughts into sentences ..... Plus it's easy because no one knows I have this blog so no pressure. =)

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write my thoughts as they come, and do no kind of editing .... Just Flow .....

I came home balling today. I did another audition, and again I didn't make it. I don't think that it was that I wasn't attractive. I think more or less, I was just not what they were looking for.

I was sad, I miss my family and it gets hard out here. I feel like I'm searching all the time For something that we'll awaken me. I feel like I've been "silent all these years." Like I'm a chest and no one has the key .....

I guess you could say more than anything. I long for deep understanding and a SOLID connection I thought I met some pretty amazing people in my past. However, now I just don't know.

I feel like everyone I meet almost falls away like sand ... almost like nothing is real. I grasp for them, I try to understand then they vanish. I still don't hesitate to smile every day, because really the fact that I just lolly gaggle through life, and nobody and I mean nobody knows what the heck is going on is some what humorous.

I've thought about just moving to another state. Some where boring and random ..... like Idaho .... or something .... and just go MIA for a while ......

Think about it for a minute .... take all your shit .... your goals .... your aspirations ..... everything and anything, that you ever clung on to in your life .... and just disappear ...... To me it almost sounds exiting. Maybe I'd go to school. Yet, conversations with your new aquatints would be like

" oh yeah um ..... I don't have any friends or family or anything ... I just am ...."

I fight everyday to be sucessful out here ..... but it takes way too freaking long... Sometimes I just want to give up.

I think that its time that I got out more. Jogged or some shit ... why? Because it gets to the point where I feel like I'm looking at the world through a glass box.... I know there's more to life than this..... and I KNOW part of that more is over seas .... but I's be broke right now. (sigh)

So there's this guy, that I really like. He's handsome, smart, everything you could want. That's his image and that's all I'll ever know. Some where inside, I just have a feeling though that if I had of had that chance to dig a little deeper, it would of just gotten better. I imagined myself fighting for him. Getting what I wanted. Or at least making sure, he would never forget me but ........I'll most likely never see him again .......

Then I recently talked to some one that I was in love with a while ago ... I want to see him so bad, I'm afraid to look into his eyes ..... I think I might start balling. Falling apart. Asking too many questions. Beating his chest. I wonder if this would be the most healthy thing to do .......I guess maybe I was curious as to whether he had ever loved me. We in fact .... never told each other. I felt alive with him ...... but he too turned to sand .....

Sometimes I just don't wanna give a fuck .... Being a huge stoner, and staring at the sun all the time, sounds like a great time ......... Lay by the pool reading a book. Yeah .... these are all pretty sweet mental pictures ..... Staring in the eyes of someone with whom you are attracted to. Smelling some one with whom you are attracted to ....Riding in a sweet ass car with sweet ass beats .....Hearing you're off today for [Insert reason here], Defeating a goal, Finding peace, listening to the wind, finding anyone ANYONE you click with, a puppy licking away your tears .... Ok now im just rambling away different mental pictures lol. Later. =)

Happy Birthday Mom

She's got it now .... My mom ... she's got a little bit of that Vegas Sparkle. I bought her a coach purse for her birthday. All together it was a purse and a matching wallet with which, I slipped a clean crisp hundred in.

You should of heard her .....

"I've never had a designer bag before!!! OMG!"

This was more gratifying than I had ever expected. Just to hear how happy she was. How surprised and special she had felt. Exactly what I wanted to give her. Something shiny, something new, something not every one could afford, something expensive, that Vegas sparkle.

Not to change the subject so quickly, but at this point in my life, I am by far, utterly confused. I guess I want it all to make sense and well .... it never will.

I even asked a friend of mine why things happen and why certain people meet. You know what his response was. There isn't a reason for anything, and things just happen. I regard this person's opinions as very respectable. I believe him ... but I just don't get it ....

Maybe I'll write more next time. I just have a lot on my mind.

BAD DAY .....

Wow, today had to be the worst ....... I worked a double, trained at the pool and then did a banquet at night. This night was so strange, I strolled through the ballroom, in my black dress, which was my uniform, and wished I was on the other end ..... I wondered when I would stop being the servant, and be the girl in a dazzling dress, fitted to my body, accompanied by prince charming..... I smiled because the thought, even though it wasn't reality, was enough for me..

I can't complain the money is better than what I used to make, but I feel like, that girl ... that girl I used to hate, the girl that was too insecure to go anywhere with out make up. I was walking around the mall the other day, and ... the perfume .... the make up ... the clothes, they were all things I would of just walked by it seemed, a few months ago... now they seemed, almost necessary .....

It's funny ... for a moment,I almost lost myself I think, in this gig I got, you know? the job .... I beat out 100,000 people to get the job, I think I started to act like someone else ...a snob, just ... better .... lol. If you know me ... it didn't take me long to snap out of that.

Relationships, I don't have one .... There's this guy that's willing to do everything for me, but I'm not drawn to him. I feel like an idiot, because, I spend more time thinking about a guy I'll never see again ...

I want to accept someone who's just a good person, but, I just can't live with out these things: A light that draws me into the persons eyes and captivates me sending chills all over, a light that makes me forget what I was talking about .... Second, energy, energy, energy, .....Third, Stimulating, challenging, conversation, ..... Fourth, I LOVE a smart guy. You could be the nicest person in the entire world, and give me all the money and girts but, if that's not there .... my soul, for lack of a better word, cries ....

Lastly, sometimes .... I wonder if I'm doing this whole Vegas thing right ... because, I love my dad, with all my heart, as well as my mother. I'm out here in Vegas trying to get by, trying to be successful but, my family isn't here. I just don't want to look back and think that I wasted the time I could of spent with my parents to make money .... Sometimes I just don't know.

CLAY IS THE MAN!!!

At First, I hated them, the mountains. They seemed stiff and simillar to a bad painting, pretty, but not moving. I wanted my mouth to drop when I saw them, like it had when I saw an island for the first time. I was rather dissappointed. I expected so much more, I guess.

My drive home seemed long and drawn out from where all the action was, but to me, it was tranquil. Those were some of the only moments I felt like I wasn't in a tourist town. The sound of the wind, driving 85 down the 15, the sun light, and cranking the music up just enough to at least miss one phone call. I liked living far away. Vegas was so busy. Impersonaters, everyone sporting their new glam outfits carefully picked out by their better selves, taxis, tons of intoxicated individuals, and individuals waiting to get intoxicated. The drive far away from the Las Vegas Strip, was short lived. literally.

I just moved. about 15 minutes away from the strip. The traffic is crazy! I believe it has a huge impact on my day. I spend most of my time with my fingers through my hair, and palm on my fore head. My face in such disgust. I could easily flick someone off, without any remorse. Other than that, I am really liking this new place. It seems closer, even though I spend about as much time at stop lights and in traffic jams, as I did driving 30 minutes down the highway to get to my old place. One more thing, I've lived here for 3 weeks, and my car stereo has already been stolen. I had twelve dollars in my side consol in plain sight. I knew the thieves were idiots when it was still there. What kind of a thief would leave twelve bucks in the car? ....... Retard. The only thing that kept me from being emotional about the situation was, well I got the stereo for free anyway. But still ........

My new job, is almost everything I had ever hoped for. The people I work with are amazing. The atmosphere has fufilled every glamorous dream I had of being a cocktail waitress in Vegas. Sparkly attire, expensive decor, wealthy clientele, class ...... I really had hoped for more of an old mobster scene though. I digged the style of the movie "Casino". Although Steve Wynn had passed out black top hats for the men and feathered bowas for the woman in a private party I worked on New Years, it still wasn't authentic like I had dreamed. Yet, slowly the idea of hot shots paying off door men, gangsters making slick risky deals, who could see anyone killed, who killed everyone, and guns.... LOTS of sweet guns, began to seem unrealistic to me anyway. Or maybe ...... I was just hanging out with the wrong people....... Anyway ..... about the only thing I haven't accomplished yet is getting that Huge tip I'll tell my grand children about. You know? It would go something like .... " When I was 25 I was a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Man I was good lookin' back then. Do you kids know that it takes balls to live in Las Vegas?" Yeah ..... something like that.

I was called in to the office recently at work. I've only worked there a month, but it couldn't be that bad ......

"Marnica ..... you are a very naturally pretty girl. we just think that you need something more ... what about ...... what about that video you where in? .... what did you do for that? ........"

More!!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!? Did these people realize how many hours I would spend on the smallest details around my eyes and my foundation. It wasn't because I liked doing it! I was merely trying to make up for my insecurities, and the pressure they put on me to look like I walked out of a fashion magazine. Sure I had modeled before, but those gigs had make - up artist on set. I had about as much experience putting on make up as they had noticing effort. Secondly, I'm a town boy. I play hard. I have never in my life spent this many waking hours in front of a god damn mirror!! I was pissed off!! They wanted more?!! What the fuck were they asking for plastic surgery?!! I smiled and agreed ....

"I see .... so what are you asking for?" (Grinning I tried not to give a way my thoughts)

"Just something more ..... a little more ....... "

I will figure this out ..... what this something more was. I guess it wasn't enough that I had traveled across the entire globe to get there in a bus with seats that recline back a 1/2 an inch sitting next to a guy who claimed to be a doctor. A man who provided the most non - stimulating conversations I had ever had in my life. I'm from the mid west where less is best. Pardon my lack of eye liner. I never wore much make - up, but I had always told myself when I got a modeling gig. The only way I will wear excessive make - up, is if someone is gonna pay me. And they are paying me so .......What a way to fuck the system...... right? Models - they pay you, to wear their clothes, to eat their food, and they pay you to put on their make up. I was getting payed. Right? When the world begged for the opposite. I always felt like I had one up on a world that was trying to take my money, make me feel insecure about my natural state, so that I would buy make - up, buy clothes, buy buy buy my way into an amazing self esteem. Or buy into fitting an image that men will forever lust after. To fit an image that was created in the eyes of wealthy men, that isn't even humanly possible. Don't believe me look around ..... It's probably all a little to deep (because dressing up is fun sometimes....), but it made sense at the time. I was 17 .......

My friend Clay came into town, I hadn't seen him in a few years. We grew up together. It meant so much to see him. It's not like we had hooked up or anything back in the day, those kind of guys will always call you. No, he just wanted to kick it with me. A rarity it seemed, for a guy to hang out with a girl he isn't even interested in romantically. A true friendship. I teared up a couple of times. I don't think he realized how much I loved him, and all the friends I had made in my life. He was so cheerful. He had that smile that belonged somewhere everyone could see. Like a bill board or something. Quite handsome. He has something of mine, and I have something of his that we both can't really change. He has my childhood. Even though we have both grown up and changed as people. I will always know him ...... some how, and in some way he'll always be special to me.

When we first saw each other, I attacked him with a gigantic hug, and almost knocked him over. (I think he thought it was funny) On Freemont Street, there is a light show every few hours. Huge crowds gather around to see, random people just plop right on the floor, and then there were those who turned their noses to the dirty ground. We looked at each other one time and it didn't take long to agree. We laid out on the concrete, in the middle of Vegas and stared at the ceiling, and waited for the light show to begin. I'm not sure what he was thinking. Me, however, I knew I hadn't of seen him in a while. Yet, it felt so fammilar. It felt like we had never stopped being friends ..... that's when I realized that we hadn't ever stopped being friends. It was the random'ist thing ever to just be laying there with a childhood friend watching the band "KISS" play out on the ceiling.( I was hoping for a different kind of light show more of a tripped out kinda show .... but KISS is ...okay) Bullshitting about nothing. Grinning from ear to ear. We played black jack for a while with all of his friends, and he even took me to see the sharks that I was literally begging to see. The sharks were in the center of the pool at the Golden Nugget. There was also a sweet slide which was clear and you basically could slide right through the shark aqaurium.

I had fun no matter what we did! I hung out with him twice on his three day trip. I was sad when he left. However, When he left it felt good to know. That hey, I moved to Vegas alone, but San Diego is right down the street. I think if I were ever really really in trouble. I have a friend near by. I have no regrets. Hanging out with Clay was awesome!! That was not to forget his friends that he introduced me to, they were not only down to earth, but they actually had personalities too. I will never forget his mom's homemade cookies either. I remember the way they made his eyes glow like a child after he said " You want some of my mom's homemade cookies?" I could feel the love bursting out of every chocolate chip after he said that ..... I wondered if it was my imagination ..... I will hope for more of these cookies.

There is a well rounded guy that I have contemplated seeing. This is so strange for me mostly because I have always been attracted to guys that had some kind of bad guy appeal. Poker Players, Band Members, (anyone involved with music really), Sports! I love sports .... Drug Dealers......I would even take a reformed bad guy ...... But this guy, he's normal, and I find it utterly.... boring. There's something about him though that I like. I just have this sense about him that he has a genuine good heart, and I think he really really likes me. Way more than I like him even. He works really hard, and is good looking in my opinion (besides that one tattoo .... but the other one's okay ....). I just can't imagine having any kind of a sensible relationship living in Las Vegas. It seems illogical. He thinks I'm playing hard to get, when frankly, I'm really just hard to get. No ..... I don't mean I'm too sexy for my shirt ... I mean some people really just don't get me. I've tried talking to him on a couple of dates and I am so easily distracted. I wonder if it's because he's really that boring, or am I just a raging bitch? It's like I don't even hear him sometimes, so ...... I must be a bitch because I don't even know what he's saying and would have no proof that he was boring in the first place ...... Right?. (exhale) Honestly I want to stay single. Sometimes though ....... nice guys aren't so bad. Who knows ..... He's just so normal .......