Queen

Well, it's been a minute sense I last wrote. I am really not sure what to make, of my situation. I'll try really real hard to try and describe my state, and how I feel, and be honest along the way with out disclosing too much info.

The man I am with right now is 30 years old. His name is Jason Ingwaldson. I tell you his name, because I am proud of who he is, and all of the things he has accomplished in his life. You see, Jason was a fighter, and once a fighter, always a fighter. He has won so many championships and titles, it's unreal. He has even layed his hands down in the hall of fame for ameature boxers. In other words, his hands are weapons, and will forever be ... weapons. That's pretty crazy.

Honestly, it's hard for me to believe that some one like him is interested in me. I know what you're thinking .... come on, get some self esteem. Really though, it's hard for me. I can't really say everything about how things are with him, but I can tell you a few things. One, I feel like a queen. I feel like I have stepped up ..... atleast in status. I can tell you that it is difficult being with him ..... He's not your normal guy and he has standards. I can tell you positively that I will NEVER meet another Jason Ingwaldson.

I'm doing things for this guy, that I would never do for anybody else. I called my EX and told him that it was OVER and it would never BE again. Now, Jason doesn't know this but .... that took everything I had. To face Kyle and tell him ...... Over? Never again? Took so much from me. I cried so hard after I did that. He probably thought nothing of it, you know. Kyle and I, we never hated each other ..... we cared alot about each other, whether near or far. I just said good bye to one of my best friends. Whether he could see that or not ...... I don't know. Whether it was the right thing to do. I don't know.

Yeah ..... I could stay friends with Kyle. On the other hand though, what does that say to my boyfriend. I've used that time and time again ...... we're just friends. Actually though, when you think about it. It's disrespectful to your man, and it's a lie ...... because we wouldn't just be friends. There would always be something more.

I have been spending everyday with Jason. I care alot about him. I have met everyone in his life, that means something to him.

What about me though? My family seems broken. My values have stood strong, but jason's values are like the great wall of China!! What can I bring to the table? I ask myself this because, I have his best interest in mind. Listen, if I really wanted the world to feel sorry for me, I'm sure I could find other ways to do it besides writing in a flippin blog. What I am saying is .... Let's just be honest. I haven't won any medals, I'm not Cindy Crawford, I'm not rich, bla bla ...bla ... you catch my drift. So, what does he want from me? He says I have a good heart ...... How does he know that? I mean I question whether I am right in the head and in my heart like ALL the time.

At what point, do I stop and tell myself ..... you're being to hard on yourself. Why can't I feel like I'm worth it. Why does it never feel like I'm enough. At what point will I stop telling myself stupid shit and feel good about myself. I just don't get it. I mean I feel it inside ..... the desire to feel good ... the desire to be some one ..... a good some one ..... a desire to tell my self that I am special and truly amazing, but ...... sometimes it always seems like it's not true.

I don't know where he and I are headed. Same ol' story. With some guy, and not sure where we're going but we're a goin'!! Great (sigh) I do know this .........I don't want to hurt him. I don't know what to do. Here I have this amazing creature and I haven't a clue .... what to do. Do I give him a massage ...... do I tell him a joke ..... is being myself enough. Do I go out and try to win a couple titles? I mean really what the fuck am I suppose to do?!

I wasn't even looking for anyone ...... after I had tried chasing down a rich Harvard poker player. I was done. That took way more energy than I thought it would. (I guess chasing something you can't catch will take alot out of anyone) Vegas is not my scene, never was. I had it engraved on my heart, that Vegas was not the place to find love for me. I was here for sucess, and money.

So now what? I can't raise a family here .....Jason isn't the kind of guy you just have a good time with. You're in it .... you're in it for the long haul. I have not been with someone for a long time before. I have never given that much of me to anyone. I feel in my heart that he might be the person that I've been looking for. The person that I can say I've been with for a long long time.

This is it though. We are in our early stages ....... It's my choice and the choices are .... go for the gold ...... or forfeit the game.

I'm so scared. I really am. Nobody stays together, and even if they do. 99 percent of the time they aren't happy. Dammit, I wanna believe that I can stay with someone forever, not the second the third or the fourth ..... but the first time around. The first ..... I want to be with someone forever and be happy. I guess you never know, if you don't try, and I've never tried.

Whatever I do, I have to do it soon. It's either walk ..... or go for the gold. Maybe I don't want to be the queen and maybe I don't want his crown, but ..... maybe I do, maybe I wanna sit next to him on that throne. I've just never seen myself in that way before.......

The Crush, The Date part 1

We went on our first date.

My bedroom is a mess!! I put on a dress, I took it off. I put on some dress pants, I took those off. I twirled in the mirror. I twirled the other way. I tried a hippy dress, than a poofy dress. I tried something old, I tried something new. I tried sexy, I tried cute and innocent, I tried everything!! Whatever I was looking for I wanted it to radiate something magnificent.

I through my fifth conconction of busy patterns and complimenting colors on the floor. I sat down, I stood up. I walked in the bathroom, I walked out of the bathroom. I went in my room, sat on the bed, and pouted.

I was nervous. Not because it was my first date. It was just because, I really like this one. This guy. I like him so much, that I was putting thought into every little detail. My perfume, my make - up, my charismatic smile I practiced in the mirror.

I drove to Walmart, of all places. It was my only option, considering that nothing was open other than the strip stores. and no local, especially in Las Vegas, wants to drive through a tourist infestation if they don't have to.

I walked up and down the isles .... nothing. (sigh) At this point I relized that I was just too picky. Thank you Walmart, but I think I'll look to other coorporations for my fashion needs.

I went home and went to bed.

I woke up at 5 am walking into my closet crossing my fingers.

"Oh just lead me to the right outfit .... come on ...... come on." I hoped

We were meeting at 7:50 and by the time it was 7:00. The outfit I picked ot was just a normal, boring, shirt/dress and the only reason I picked that, was because I didn't have anymore time to be a critic.

I sped off down the highway full speed ahead. I looked around me and saw my shiny dress shoes and short but not too short dress. It felt like my attire and choice of blairing rap music was a funny combination.

Finaly, I made it. Word of life church. I walked up and down the parking lot. Early, of course.

"You're such a looser, you have nothing better to do, of course you're early!" I belittled myself.

I waved at the church goers going by and felt almost a sense of comfort when I saw a black women with an obnoxious hat with flowers pouring out of it. I was trying to seem as non - demonic as possible.

"Hello ..... oh ..... Hello, how are you." I tried to seem convincing with my eyes as well as dialouge.

I wanted it to be real, I wanted this place to be a place full of people who had good intentions, I wanted this place to be pure and sanctified. I was tired. Tired of searching for something good. I wanted to be loved, I didn't want to feel pain anymore. I was scared, and alone. I was afraid of becoming something evil, I didn't want to be a bad person, I didn't want be a whore, I didn't want to be a liar, I didn't want have twisted thoughts ......No one new that though ........ I guess when you add all of these thoughts together what you get is.

"Hello .. how are you? .... Oh me, I'm good thanks."

What the fuck was I doing there!! Just about every guy that I had ever known in my entire life gave two shits about anything in any relation to religion. I felt like a clown!! Was I doing this for my self, or because I like some guy!?!

I cus like a sailor, have anger issues and snap on people like my father, have had a million boyfriends (that doesn not mean I slept with half of the world), I drink, I love weed, I like the idea of sex although I'm not sexually active, I've been abused, I've contemplated murder, I've stolen, lied intentionally, why not just keep this going? Right?

So, maybe I suck. Maybe I'm not an angel, maybe I'm not the virgin Mary. Dammit!! I've tried my whole life to be a good person. For what? So that in the end, I still feel worthless, so that I am told I "might" go to heaven. It was hard for me to be there. SO hard.

No one knows how much I have wanted to give in ...... give in to what? Give in to desires, and give in to morals. Lay down my sword. Sweet surrender.

"When is he gonna be here?!!" I was anxious.

Finaly he walked in, he was wearing a green dress shirt, black dress pants, and dress shoes. He smiled while he holding a bible in one hand ........

To be continued.

Stick to the plan

It's so hard for me to express how I'm feeling sometimes. I try and form my words into sentences, and it's useless. My feelings get jumbled around the letters, and I don't know what to do. I try and spit out what I'm thinking and nothing comes out but air.

I'm thinking, and thinking, trying to get every word out just right. It's just impossible. Instead, of accomplishing communication, I'm just left sitting there, like a bumbling idiot.

When I write, it's like the words come out smoother. I'm not trying so hard to analize every little thing I say before I say it.

My crush and I have talked on the phone more than I have talked to any stranger in the past 3 years. Usually it's all text.

I pretty sure though, he likes me as a friend, not as much more.

He's got a lot of things going on in his life.

I think in Vegas, I should just stick to business. That was always my original plan, anyway.

GAME OVER

Hey WEGAS - (Who ever gives a shit)

So, I've been on two dates. One a man in the air force, who was 25, going into the intelligence unit. Two, a Nevada DJ, Age 26. Some pretty interesting and good times. I'd love to outline these moments.

Lastly, I somehow ended all of this with a huge crush on someone whose been under my nose for quite some time, and that I haven't gone on any dates with yet.

Mr. Intellingence: Basically I ended up talking to this guy all night in morse code. You know, it was the kind of connection where you don't need to use words. He wasn't ugly, but he also wasn't really the kind of guy I'd go for.

We met through my friend Trisha. I was obviously, as ussual, the wing-girl. This time though, I think SHE was the one not having fun. So ha.

There was a really talented band playing that night. They played one of my favorite songs. "No, woman, no cry." I sat on the ground and motioned my arms around like a godess. Swaying my head. I missed those days in St. Louis. I wanted to spin around in circles, and dance like a hippy/candy kid. It felt like the band was playing just for me, and just for my birthday.

I got really wasted that night. Tequila, after tequila. Beer after beer. It was like the alcholic olympics. It was my birthday in 3 days, so it was guzzle guzzle time.

My favorite part on this date is when Mr intelligence stared at me.

"You're different." He stared into nothing. It looked like he was trying hard to define me. Squinting his eyes.

"Thanks." I muttered. Positve that he was implying "different" as something not cool at all.

"No, no, that's not a bad thing. Not at all." He transitioned my thoughts.

He turned his head, eyes full of life. Staring deep into my eyes.

"What?!" I felt offended, or like I had something crawling on my face.

"I like looking at you. what can I say? Maybe, I like looking into your eyes. I don't like the Vegas type ...... you know? All showy. I like people that are more conservative, people that I can actually have a conversation with, intelligent people ....... You know I can honestly say, that I've never met a girl like you. "

I think in that moment. That was something that I really needed to hear. Even if there is a possiblitly that that can be translated into: I wanna fuck you. Do you feel special now? I needed to hear it. It made me feel beautiful. So, I smiled. I was glad I met him that night, and that would be the last time I'd ever see him. We never exchanged numbers. I left, like cinderella. GAME OVER

Date number 2: To protect his true idenity we'll call him DJ sole. A DJ!! Exciting right? He travels the world, talented, has women all over him. Sounded good to me.

I'm gonna skip pass how we met, and get to our first date.

It was my birthday. I was lounging by my computer, trying to think about all the reasons I wasn't a looser for sitting there, drinking vodka and wine alone on my birthday.

Eventually, he got off work and came to my house at around eleven thirty. We hit it off. He was flipping hilarious!! Every crack at a joke he made, ended in sucess.

We watched a movie together, and cuddled. We began to explore how we felt to one another, in each others arms, excluding the "special parts" , if you will. It felt amazing, yet we never even made it to a kiss.

The night ended because it was extremely late, and he had to work in about 3 hours. While trying to close the door slowly, I had a newfound hope in the male race, his face was so cute and inviting.

He said " Hey, I'll call you toomarow, k?"

My face held no expression. " Huh? Oh yeah ..... uh .... yeah definitely! Um .... look, I don't know how this stuff works ...... " I half pleaded.

He repeated himself and grinned, " I'll call you toomarow."

" Um, okay ... toomarow." I shut the door.

What if he didn't call? What if he was just saying that to be nice? What if he didn't like the smell of my apartment? What if he thought my wearing pajamas for a first date was a lack of effort?!! My heart was racing. I plopped on my couch.

" I guess we'll find out .... " I thought to myself.

The next day, we began to text each other back and fourth. He called me that night. We started talking to each other. I thought the conversation was going fine, and then he paused.

"Hey can I call you back? I have to take my dog for a walk."

My brain jolted. I'm not sure if that's possible, but that's the best way I can describe how I felt.

"Yeah, of course!! Call me back ..." I sounded as non - suspicious as possible.

He did call me back, but I didn't pick up the phone. I had decided that my intuition was screaming ....

"Don't pick up!!! Don't do it!!! What guy calls you and then hangs up to walk his dog!!?? Who does that???!!! Red Flags!!!! RED FLAGS!!!!!"

Once my inner vocies chilled the fuck out, I called him back. He didn't answer. Tooshay. I went to sleep.

Over the next few days. We text back and fourth, but either he would be flaky about it, or I would be flaky about it. Eventually I decided that whatever we were doing, was retarded, so I decided to send him a final text, it went as follows.

"Hey you, it was nice meeeting you, and I think you're really nice!! I have an idea though, how about we STOP texting each other. I say the ball is in MY court, and if I want to hang out, I'll give YOU a call." So, maybe I'll call, and maybe I won't. Bye =)."

He responded. " Oooookay, that was outta no where. Didn't really think there was a " ball " in anyones court. Guess I was wrong. PEACE."

"Oh well, That was that, and I'll never see him again." I sighed.

My friday at work is on a Monday. I had just gotten off my lunch break and started my rounds.

" Cocktails? ......... Beverage anyone? ......." I gave my winning vegas smile as I walked along.

A cute asian girl looks up and says.

"No thanks, we're good."

Her significant other motions to agree and unescasarily repeats her remarks.

"Yeah, we're good."

I turn to give the man eye contact, and .........

There it was, DJ sole, in MY section, with ANOTHER girl, right after I had seen him FOUR days ago, on MY birthday. We were JUST talking on the phone the OTHER day!!!!!

Wtf? Was it all just some twisted coincedence, he could have gone anywhere else on the strip, I mean seriously. Why did he end up in my section? Was he trying to make some kind of point. Part of me really wanted to cus him out. It wasn't the fact that he was with another girl, it was just ...... principle.

I couldn't believe that. Date #2 GAME OVER.

The Crush:

Sometimes, at work on my lunch break, I sit by myself, Sometimes, I sit with a bunch of people. It really just depends on who is around in the cafeteria at the moment, and if I think you'll make my dining experience more enjoyable. Sometimes, if I see someone, I can just tell our conversations, would be forced, and there would be too many ackward moments. In this case I'd rather sit alone.

On this particular day, I sat by myself. I mosied along to one of the bar stools, and passed my soon to be crush.

"Hey!! Marley? " My crush looked up from a table that he too was sitting at alone.

"Come sit with me." he said in a way that sounded more like an order than a request.

I had never had lunch with him, but he seemed intruiging and nice.

I wanted to be sure.

"Huh?," I gave him the, I'm not sure who the fuck you're talking to face.

"Come over!" He said again.

So I did. We began to talk, about random things.

There was a couple sitting across from us. They seemed like the kind of couple that had been together for years. When I sat down, apart of me felt wierd sitting across from them, it felt like I was intruding on some kind of deep bonding, that I wasn't invited to. By the end of lunch I never even knew they existed. It was as if the whole world disappeared.

This guy ended up telling things about him that I had no idea about. For right now, I'm not going to talk about these things. I will tell you this. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. I say that with complete and utter confidence.

The past year and half, I spent chasing guys that aren't even here. He was right here with me the whole time. I feel ashamed. This guy is so cool, that I don't know if he has money, and I don't care. Who he is, is enough.

What was I chasing, before? Men with money, and power, and an image. Men, who couldn't even see me for me. Men who couldn't even find value in a friendship with me. Men, who took it upon themselves to come and go with the seasons. Men, trapped in a glass case. I mean serioulsy what is that?

I lost myself. It's Vegas. What do you expect? Right? I forgot who I was.

I am so much more, than an image, I am so much more than money, I am so much more than begging another human for their time. I have a soul, I have a heart, I have depths. I can see things from different angles. I was trying to be something ......... I wasn't .......

My crush and I exchanged e - mails for about week on facebook. Then I finaly gave him my number a day ago. He called that night, we talked for about two and half hours. I didn't want him to go.

My dad said.

"Baby, when you find some one who has amazing qualities, you've got your million dollars right there because that, .... that's hard to find."

I love my dad.

Even if things never get to that level with my crush. I am just so fucking happy. That some one like him exist on this planet.

P.S. - Awesome get over asshole songs

30 seconds to mars - The kill

* Look in my eyes, you're killing me
* I tried to be some one else.

Phil Collins (Yes I typed phil collins) - I don't care anymore.

*I remember those times when you laughed in my face cus you held the cards.

BAD DAY .....Not cool.

I flipped out on a cashier today. She totally tilted me.

I'll save the story and just say her attitude was completely uncalled for. I feel the need to constantly stick up for myself in situations were someone is trying to disrespect me.

One, I live here alone, and I am the only one that has my back. Two, when a person needs to be put in their place, sometimes you have to be the one that does it.

I walked out of the bar for a brief moment to bring my self together and then walked back in. At this point I caught the cashier saying. " I'm gonna slap her in her fucking face. " referring to me.

My reaction was simply these words and a piercing look. " You need to watch you fucking mouth."

She was a big girl, but honestly I have ALOT of heart. So you be the judge. Plus, I had enough adrenaline in me to make your morbid dreams of what could of happened, a reality. Honestly, I almosted wished she just would of ...... you know cus anything after that ..... self defense.

My car broke down, I'm so sad. I actually really like my car. I mean, the car really does nothing for my ego, but it gets me around. I have enough money to go and get a new car, but I am trying my best to salvage what the Honda has left. Now, it's the altanator. =(

I cannot wait until September!!! I took the pool shift for the summer. In Sept, is when all of the girls move inside of the casino for the winter. I am SO excited! I tried taking leave from work Sep 1 - 9 to go to Boston with one of my friends, but I was denied the time off. However, when we move inside I will be taking a 2 month leave. At this point I can go anywhere I want and still come back and have a job.

I have so many places in mind. I can't wait!!

I recenlty just got back from San Fransico California. I was visiting my friend Brian. Brian, is also the same guy I went to Thailand with.

He's an awesome guy. We have alot of fun together. He's starting his own show soon. More on this later.

As for love ..... well, I don't really want anyone right now. I think I have a lot of things to work on about me, before I can be good for anyone else.

I was really into my EX from MO. for a while. I saw him this summer, and realized all the reasons I did like him, and recalled how amazing of a person he was.

Yet, I feel like I just snapped out of something. I don't want to be with him anymore, and I won't be waiting for him ever again. He was expecting to see me when I flew back home, but I won't be seeing him. I in fact called and said these same words to him.

"We've had good times, but it's over now. It's time for us to move on."

He's a good person. I wish him all the best. It's just I've left the nest, I'm growing up, I'm changing and learning and growing everyday. I just don't feel like we're on the same page anymore. I don't want to hold him back with any thoughts of us being together. I'm moving on.

In my journery down these roads alone, I'll be sure to update on any amazing or horrid dates. One, can only hope that I find stimulating conversation. It's so scarce .....

Sometimes I find it hard to pick one guy out from the next. It's an annoying illusion that everyone is the same. I know everyone is unique and different in their own way but jeez. Must I pawn and search for these qualities and .... Why can't they be obvious differences. Sometimes when I'm on the prawl it's like a constant repeat of the same people.

This is not to say " Hey look at me, I have so much to offer." because maybe I don't, but how many people do you know, with a name like Marnica. Atleast you can appreciate that as an obvious difference. It's like I say my name and people are automatically like. FLASH FLASH FLASH her names not Sarah. Hold the phone!! lol!!

How many people do you know who are my age, and my race. I factor in age because the older and older the people you're looking at, the less and less you will see interacial mixing and vice versa.

I like wierd and unique and different. I don't want to have to fish through a bunch of clones to get to a collectors item.

So I'm not looking anymore. Especially sense the thought of doing so annoys me at the moment.

Random .....Random .... Random ....

Why is it that, whenever a person tries to emphasise how hurt or upset or moved they are by something they say the same thing, every time. They say, "you wanna know how upset I was .... I cried." I cried.

Now, I was thinking maybe it would be just as moving to say something like I through a table or I slit my wrist. Also, it brings about another important question. How do you know if this person really cried or if their just adding it, as a pathetic attempt to add emphasis to their otherwise cold vein emotions.


I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately. Reading books and watching movies.

Today at work, I looked left and I saw naked women. Vouluptious bodies, full breast, and beneath them, a man and a women in a deep passinate kiss. To my left was a man blowing 50,000 dollars and with which he threw me 35 dollars. What's going through my mind at this time? One might wonder.

The primary thought that runs through my mind is, that I am strong. Now, compared to a soldier in Afghanastan. I'm not shit. However, in the war of life, I stand tall. I'm not afraid of the battle field in front of me. I'm not afraid of Vegas.

I met a guy today. He was 24, young, handsome, and was working torwards his degree in one of the top 10 schools in America.

To say that we didn't have a connection, would be a lie. We did. He had a wonderful look in his eyes, had all the charm. Some how though, I couldn't let go. There were bigger and better things on my mind, that i just couldn't let go. I wanted to partake on every feeling, but I held back.

This has been a reoccuring problem that I have had. Here I am confronted with America's most eligible bachelors, yet I can't give them all of me.

What is it that holds me back? I've asked myself countless times, yet I cannot seem to find the answer.

He told me, " You're going to live a life full of regrets ....."

I wondered, if he was right.

I Second guessed myself, as it only seems fitting.

I didn't give him all that he wanted.

There I was, in Hugh Hefners mansion at the palms, the top sweet. A man. young, and handsome, with a pocket full of excstasy .......... and I turned him down.

A man working torwards a law degree, and an ID to prove it.

I said no ....... and it wasn't the first time I had done something in relation to this.

What was the point of that? I wish I knew. I guess oneday maybe everything will fall into place.

What if I had of said yes to that guy I had met? I could have had him, easily. I know this. I made things so complicated. So much deeper than maybe they had to be.

Could it be, that I'm so picky that I'm going to live a life alone. Solitary, just because I felt like I was too good for someone or something.

Or could it be that I just play for keeps? Who knows ......

Could it be, that maybe the sluts of the world have something ....... besides a higher probability of contracting a disiease. Could it be that ..... i'm the stupid one. I'm the one that has turned down all the fantasies ...... all the moments that 90 yr old women dream about.

I'm sitting in my apartment alone. That's how it's always been. No permanent visitors, no one to snuggle with. Honestly, I never minded that much.

Yet, as I feel the cold days coming ..... I wonder, if I can make it a winter alone, no one to talk to when I reach the gates of rest, my apartment. I think i can. but it will be a long one. Seeking warmth somewhere in between my sheets. Hoping that my heart will illumiate on it's own. Finding comfort in the stories of others and their visits home. Hugging a pillow as if it pumps blood.

Current Post from Now on.

I drive a 1990 Honda Accord. I bought it last year some time, before that I was taking 4 buses to and back from the Las Vegas strip to summerlin or vice versa. It usually took about 3 hours to get to and from work. I love my car, I think she's gonna need some work done soon though.

Anyway, I just got home from Walgreens. There, I bought blush, sleeping pills, and a shower cap. I was strolling through the isles when a man stopped me and asked ...

"Find what you're looking for?" He was being nosy might I add.

I defensively said " What? .... "What do you mean?" I ignored him and walked away.

Now, ever sense I got my own place, and I live alone, and I live in Vegas of all places. I guess being a bitch to strangers makes me feel safer. Atleast, just the ones that I get a bad vibe from. I feel like if I'm sweet .... they want more. I call it street smarts, it's not my real personalty though, I can actually be pretty personable.

I got in my car and repeated the same thing I always do when I get in my car.

"Come on Flush!!! Come on .... don't do this to me now girl, not at Walgreens with all these creepy people outside ..."
(I call my car flush, she's named after a Royal, it's the biggest hand in poker)

She started. I was relieved. Good girl.

I haven't seen my family in a while. The last time I saw them was during the elections. Thanksgiving, Christmas, all the holidays, I spent alone away from them.

When I think about it though, I think I'd rather spend a historical day like the election night, over one of those superficial holidays. anyway.

Pretty soon, I should be going back home and probably traveling to another state as well. Boston was in the plans, sense my friend Trisha is going there but, I also have another friend that's going to Paris. Desicions .... Desicions.

So, in my most recent post. There was a guy that I wasn't suppost to call. He told me to never e-mail and yadi yadi .... well, I did anyway. I guess part of me figured that he already thought I was wacko, so what the hay right?

This guy, was real real smart and was going to Harvard too. He was my age and handsome. Well spoken. Dressed pretty good.

Well, we arent' talking. I'm positive that we won't ever again.

Theres one part that I just couldn't let go. I couldn't figure out why he talked to me like I was nobody. He just wrote me off. Basically said he didn't want anything to do with me. Like I killed his fucking dog or something. I never killed that dude's dog.

Was it really too much to ask to end things ..... as friends. He never treated me like a human being.

He was SO smart, that I Probably wouldn't have been able to stimulate him mentally. Which is something I think you have to have. I mean whenever he used a word I almost always had to have a dictionary on hand. I loved the challenge, he probably thought I was an idiot though.

To add to that. I wasn't born with a silver spoon, he was. We came from two different worlds. He may have never understood me.

He was jewish, so theres most likely a high probablilty that his parents would have hated me and disowned him for seeing me.

We live on complete opposite sides of the world.

I'm not the sane'ist person in the world.

Bla Bla Bla

All of these things I can admit. Okay, Okay, it wouldn't of worked out.

I just didn't understand why in the end, we weren't shaking on it. We should have both tapped out. I would have felt better walking away knowing that we both learned a thing or two, and that maybe we weren't for each other but if I saw him on the street I could atleast wave, not duck and cover.

Believe me, I think if I saw this guy I might seriously ..... hide. Just for fear that he might burn holes through my skull with his eyes.

I think he was a good person. In fact, I know he was. He just never let me get to know him. I wanted to see past his money and his image. He made it so hard. What little feelings I did find, were SO hard to get to that it was almost unbareable.

I was making him work for it. For me. Instilling desire, creating anticipation. Making sure are moments were memorable, because you remember more the things you worked hard for, then the things that were just given to you right

What he'll never know is the reasons I never had sex with him, before he turned me down, was so that I could keep him and because I was playing for keeps, and if I couldn't keep him I wanted him to atleast have feelings for me. That's what I was waiting for, the feelings. And it takes time. Passion. I guess they never came, the feelings, or better yet they didn't develope in time.

Fuck it.

Last but not least. The guy I was in Love with from St. Louis, Aaaaa yes. We never told each other we loved each other. Well folks, Guess what? He told me he loved me. He said the words that are so hard for me to say. I almost shit in my pants. All I remeber, is this is how it happened.

Him: "I love you ..."
Me: "What??!!!"

It took us basically a year and a half to finaly admit it to each other, and you know what? I'm proud of it (I said it back). He's a good dude. When I talk to him I feel like I'm on cloud nine.

He challenges me metally. He only agrees with me sometimes, and when he does disagree, he always seems to be right and changes my perspective into something less tainted and more beautiful. He also has a degree in philosophy. So did the last guy I was talking about. I've had the pleasure of being around some amazing people. I have always attracted philosophical people in my life.

He makes me laugh, and makes me smile. Most importantly though, I feel like he's my best friend. I can tell him anything and not feel stupid. I can even tell him when another guy totally disses me and not feel stupid. I can tell him that I'm on level 95 on a computer game and not feel stupid. We race each other to see who wins. We make fun of each other like we're eight years old. We're passionate. We fight and yell at each other, then one of us always tries to pretend like nothing happened. You know? The old subject change. We play onliner poker together and he yells at me the entire time.

"Why!!!! Why did you do that?!!! ...... No!!! Noo!!! You should fold that!!! Why would you raise right there??? Nooo!! .. God!! I can't stand this!!! I can't watch this anymore!!!" lol.

I'm working on my poker. =)

The fact of the matter still is this.

He's not here with me in Vegas. I'm gonna have to let him go. I'm tired of wishing some one who isn't here was here.

I don't think I've honestly ever really commited myself to someone, and I'd like to try it one day. What a scary word commitment. ehhh lol.

I went out with a bunch of girls from work. We all mobbed deep to club Prive. We danced and drank vodka, or whatever was on the table. I think there was one guy with us from work. He trickled off along with a few others by the end of the night.

After Prive, we went to XS, and sense we work there, we got our own table easy. We had so much fun!! We danced all night. Laughing, and smiling at each other, taking pictures. I smoked, which is not good. That's how I knew I was drunk though.

The diversity in Vegas is so beautiful. We are the second most diverse city in America. New York is number one. Man, I'd love to see New York. If you look at the picture of me and all the girls, you can see it. We are all different. Differnet shades, different smiles. It's not so black and white like MO, where I'm originally from.

By the end of night. Everyone had left exept for one other cocktail waitress that I work with.

(She's the Blond next to me on the stripper pole, we're not sure who the other girl is).

There was a couple of shots left in the bottle, we shared them together, and just kind of laughed at the situation: We were the last two standing.

At some point, I decided that it was time for us to go home. Now, we are both completely trashed. I decided the smartest thing to do would be to rode dog it with Christina back to her house , make sure she was safe, and then take a taxi back to my car.

To make a long story short, she and I talked until the sun came up. Christina had a lot of things on her mind. She was going through a lot. A lot more than I had ever read on her face, just seeing her at work. She cried, and has she told me all of her problems, wants and hopes in life, and how she felt about them. She was never more beautiful. I saw a sweet, vulnerable girl with a heart bigger than the world could ever see. I would never look at her the same after that day.

She also told me her story. The story of how she got the job at the Wynn. How happy she was, how much it meant to her, and how much it changed her life. Maybe one day you'll hear her story and mine too. We were all picked to work at the Wynn for a reason. It wasn't just how we looked, but who we are too. I'm am so proud of where I work. You dont believe me ask anyone from Vegas about the Wynn and they'll always say the same thing.

"Man it's hard to get a job there ......"

Lastly, had a verbal coaching at work, or in other words got reemed by my boss. I know she's just doing her job, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks being given a list of reasons on why you suck. I'm gonna try and fix the problems I'm having. It just sucks because sometimes I feel like trouble always finds me.

Heres one of things I got in trouble for, answering the phones as follows ....

"Thank you for calling the fith demension this is Marnica how may I direct your existence?"

Apparently that is an inappropriate way to answer the phone. Who Knew?

Yeah ..... I'll work on not being funny. Come on .... That's funny. =)